


Time Lost

by Rorynne



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, But there really aren't any, Drinking, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Genocide Mentions, I just hate myself and want to share my suffering I guess, I keep looking for reasons, I never intended for this Fic to be so long, Mutual Pining, Nazi Germany, Nazis, Period-Typical Sexism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Temporary Character Death, Theres really no good reason for this slow burn to go on as long as it is going to, They are both just dumbasses I am so sorry, Time Travel, Trauma, snow fights
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2020-09-26 19:56:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20395270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rorynne/pseuds/Rorynne
Summary: An accident during a mission sends you back in time to the second world war. There you enlist the help of Peggy Carter, Steve Rogers, and Bucky Barnes to find the object that can send you back.





	1. Prologue

You adjusted your dress slightly as you watched the party from you perch atop a high barstool. Who would have thought that experimental arms dealers liked 40’s themed parties? Apparently other arms dealers by the looks of it. “This place is a real whos who of people you don't want to fuck with, isn't it?” You stated more than asked as you stirred your drink with a mixing straw.

“Yeah, unless you’re us.” Clint's voice said through the communication device in your ear.

You chuckled, taking a sip of your drink. “Unless you're us. How is setting up that distraction going?” You peeked down the hall where two guards stood watch over the entrance to another corridor. “Macho Man and Biceps Mcgee don’t look apt to let me through.”

“Patience Y/N/N, patience.” You rolled your eyes as he continued. “The Blues Brothers should be off your back in a few minutes.”

“Stop calling me that. I didn't need to help you with this mission, remember?” You said, leaning against the bar. This was not how you intended to spend your day off. “Why did I agree to this again?”

“Because I’m your best friend and you love me?” He offered as the lights flickered. You looked down the hall again to see the two guards moving to investigate. Bingo.

“Oh, right.” You said as you slid off the stool. “You wouldn't stop begging me until I caved.” Head held high, you walked into the hallway as if you owned the place. “You owe me an introduction to Captain America when this is done.”

“You know, I wouldn't need to introduce the two of you if you just joined the avengers.” He said as you turned down the now unguarded corridor. “The door you're looking for should be on your left.”

“I don't like the limelight.” You defended, “Remember the entire reason why you're asking me to do this is because you can't walk into a room without being recognized anymore. Not after what happened in New York.”

“Yeah, yeah. You would think people would have forgotten by now.” Clint grumbled making you stifle a laugh. Forget the people that saved New York from giant space whales? As if. You tried the door Clint had directed you to and found it locked. You sighed. “Probably should have expected that.” You pulled a bobby pin out of your hair and started to pick the lock. “So what exactly am I looking for here? Just some files?”

“That's what Hill said.” He confirmed. “Probably something on the tech they are trying to sell, you know, arms dealery stuff.” The lock clicked and the door swung open. You quickly slipped inside, closing the door behind you.

Wasting no time, you immediately started pilfering the desk in front of you, looking for anything that might be of note. “This guy's desk is a fucking mess. Do you have any clue what I’m looking for specifically?”

“Uhhh,” Clint replied, making you groan.

“You didn't think to ask for specifics?” Jesus Christ, half of these documents are in german, do you even kn-” Your eyes went wide as you looked up. You didn't know how you managed to miss the giant, bell-shaped, hunk of metal with a fucking swastika in the middle of it when you entered the room, but you did. Especially since, now that you noticed it, the thing seemed to produce a low, unnatural hum. “Uh, Clint?”

“What is it? Did you find something? You gotta hurry up the guards are on their way back.” Clint urged as you approached the Nazi bell.

“Are you sure Maria only said anything about files?” The bell seemed to grow more agitated as you stepped closer, vibrating strongly enough that its edges seemed to blur. “What the hell is this thing?” As you reached out, the door crashed open. You whipped around to see the two guards from earlier, their guns aimed directly at you. Thinking fast, you dove towards the desk as the guns fired. The bullets hit the bell with a thundering clang, causing the bell to go deathly silent before emitting a dull blue glow. The glow quickly intensified into a blinding blue-white light until a shock wave of energy exploded from the bell with a deafening gong. 

You were thrown against the back wall with such force you saw stars. Groaning, you stumbled to your feet as alarms started blaring. Swearing to yourself, you blindly grabbed a handful of loose papers, and ran out of the room, jumping over the two, now unconscious, guards in the process. Glancing both ways down the hall, you swore again as you saw a swarm of guards running down the way you came. Papers in hand, you sprinted down the corridor away from the guards.

“Clint? I could use a little back up right about now!” You hollered but got no response. “Clint!” you said again, raising a hand to your ear. Your heart dropped when you felt no communicator. “Son of a bitch.” Hooking a right down another hallway, you stumbled as the building shook, another loud gong ripping from the bell now rooms away. Damn, that thing was loud. The walls began to crack from the force of the shockwaves. It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that bell was going to bring the entire building down.

You looked over your shoulder, the guards were nowhere to be seen. God only knew if they were going to come back or if they had decided to save themselves. With the noises the building was making, you honestly couldn't blame them if they chose the second option. The red glint of an exit sign caught your eye as you turned down yet another hall. “Thank god.” You gasped, forcing yourself to run just a little faster. You lunged at the exit as a third gong tore through the building.

You fell out of the emergency exit gasping for breath as the sound of sirens screeched overhead. You froze as you took in your surroundings. Why was it so dark? Pulling your phone out of your bra, you checked the time. 5:36 pm glowed up at you brightly. You shook your head, that was impossible. It was far far too dark. You looked back at the building you escaped from, only to find it completely restored to its original state. Except, you noticed, there was no door for you to exit out of. “What the fuck is going on here?”

The sirens continued as you turned on your phone’s flashlight. No signal, you noticed, great. You walked out of the alley and down the street, not a single light was on anywhere, not even streetlights. Did that bell have something to do with this? You looked down at the papers you managed to grab as the sound of planes roared overhead. ‘Die Glocke’ was all you were able to read before being unceremoniously dragged into the shop next to you.

“What the bloody hell do you think you're doing? Walking around with a torch in the middle of an air raid? Are you mad?” The woman scolded, your phone in her hand. your jaw dropped as the woman fumbled with your phone: Peggy Carter. The Peggy Carter. The same one whose picture you passed every day walking into the shield offices. That Peggy Carter was now standing in front of you, trying to figure out how a cell phone worked. “How do you turn this bloody thing-”

An explosion rocked the street, shattering the glass of the shop they were in. Both women dove to the floor on instinct. You took the phone from Peggy and turned off the light. You popped your head up and peeked through the broken window. The building you had just escaped from was now reduced to a pile of rubble. Holy shit, you realized, That bell has sent you back in time. You had no chance to rationalize this information when you heard the signature sound of a gun being cocked. You turned to see Peggy pointing a pistol at your head.

“Who are you, what are you doing here, and what is that?” Peggy gestured to your phone. Oh god, how does someone even begin to explain time travel via nazi bell?

You took a deep breath. “Do you want the answer that makes me look like a nutcase? Or the quickly cobbled together lie you probably won't believe?”

“I want the truth” Peggy answered firmly, making you feel very much like a scolded child.

“My name is Y/N L/N. I am here because of an accident.” You said slowly, trying to give yourself time to plan out how to explain time travel. “I, well, I was sent back in time by a giant Nazi bell.” You glanced at the crumpled papers still in your hand. “Here!” You shoved the papers towards Peggy. “Die Glocke, the bell! Maybe this can help explain it.” Peggy eyed you warily before taking the papers. Peggy squinted at them, reading slowly with the lack of light. Slowly, she lowered her gun, instead, focusing on the documents.

Peggy sighed, “You're right. Your story does make you sound like a nutter, but these documents…” her voice trailed off as another bomb rocked the street. “It isn’t safe up here.” She said simply, grabbing you by the arm and pulling you towards the back of the building. “How did you get into this situation Y/N?”

You stumbled, trying to keep up with Peggy, as she dragged you through the shop. “I’m an agent of shield.” You paused for a moment, should you really be saying this? “An organization you help form after the war.”

“At this point, the war doesn't feel like it will ever be over.” Peggy sighed again, stopping in front of a blank wall. She stepped forward and pressed an unseen switch. The wall opened up to reveal a small elevator. 

You stopped just short of following Peggy inside. “Are you sure this is a good idea during an air raid?”

“We don't have time for this nonsense,” Peggy said, rolling her eyes and pulling you in by the collar just as the doors began to close. Peggy looked over the papers again in the dim light of the elevator. “You said you were an agent Y/N?”

“Yes.”

“And no doubt you want to get back to your time.”

“Well, yeah, that would be preferable.”

Peggy nodded. “Then I supposed, you would have no issue helping us find this bell HYDRA created.”

You looked at her, “Who is ‘us’ in this equation?”

“The Strategic Scientific Reserve. SSR for short. Have you heard of it Agent L/N?” The elevator rattled as more bombs exploded above.

You scoffed, “Heard of it? I was named after one of the agents. Yeah, I’ll be glad to help, especially if it gets me home.”

Peggy furrowed her brow, “What agent were you named after?”

“Agent Y/N M/N L/N? My family has been in shield since its inception, I grew up hearing all the stories about her.”

Peggy shook her head as the elevator stopped. “There is no Agent Y/N L/N. Unless you count yourself.” She said before stepping out into the hall.

You went wide-eyed as Peggy’s words sank in. “Oh my god. I was named after myself.”


	2. Chapter 1

Storm clouds hung heavy in the sky as you sat in the back of a jeep bound for the current SSR base in Italy. Almost two years of searching and there was barely any information on the bell to go off of. It was beyond frustrating. At this rate, you were starting to wonder if you would ever get back to your time. Granted, all of the documents you brought back were dated 1943 or later, chances were development on the bell had only just begun. And if that were the case, hopefully, it wasn't going to take them seventy years to finish.

Your general lack of ability to change anything also proved to be frustrating as hell. Only Peggy knew of your true origins. They had both decided against going around saying you were from the future, god only knew that would just get them both locked up. However, as a result, that meant you were far less likely to be believed any time you tried to keep an event from happening if you lacked any evidence. you never thought you would sympathize with Cassandra.

“I was beginning to wonder when you'd show up.” A familiar voice teased as the jeep came to a halt. You smiled as you saw Peggy waiting to inspect the arriving convoy. Peggy had managed to make the last two years far more bearable, becoming quick friends with you.

“You know me,” You said, jumping out of the back of the jeep. “I like to keep everyone guessing.”

Peggy smiled as you approached. “Perhaps a little too much.” She accused. “How was Paris?”

You shrugged and canted your head, “Beautiful city, great food, interesting history.” You crossed your arms. “Too bad I wanted to shoot the majority of my company.”

“I trust you were able to resist the temptation?” Said Peggy eyeing you in amusement.

“Figured I would let the boys have the nazi killing fun for now.” You sniffed indignantly. “Kind of regret it now. At least then I would have something to account for coming back.”

“No luck on the bell?”

“No luck on anything.” You corrected, “A whole lot of Nazis but no hydra. It seems the intel we had was either old or false.”

Peggy nodded at one of the soldiers carrying a crate from a truck. “You think they’ve caught on to us?”

You chewed your cheek. “I'm not sure. I can't say they knew I was coming, or I’d be dead. Or at least so I would assume. I don't see any reason why they would keep me alive knowing I'm a spy. But at the same time, there wasn't a single member of hydra there. I've never seen that before, usually there's at least one.

Peggy narrowed her eyes. “If we aren't being fed false information then somethings happening.”

“And whatever it is, I think the ones outside of hydra are just about as in the dark as we are. Hydra’s making a play, a big one.”

“A faction split?” Peggy offered.

“It's possible. But if it's that, they've got to be pretty confident that they can win.” You scratched the back of your neck, entirely unsure of what to make about any of it.

Peggy nodded, “If what the surviving 107th are saying is true, it seems they've got just that.” Seemingly content with the convoy, Peggy started towards the SSR command tent. “Your history books say anything about this?”

You followed close behind. “About the 107th? Not much. They get captured, Captain America comes in and saves the day singlehandedly. Dunno how much stock I put into to all that personally. Lotta things about the Cap and hydra got covered up after the war by shield. Especially in the history books.”

Peggy frowned, walking into the tent. “I can believe it. I've seen Rogers in action, unfortunately, the army seems content parading him around America singing about war bonds.

Your eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me, what?”

“Peggy gestured to the poster hanging from a support beam of the tent. “Captain America,” it read, “on tour: Allied bases across Europe and North Africa.” You bit your lip to keep from laughing, this was not how you ever imagined meeting Captain America.

“They, they really have him singing?” You said, fighting to keep a straight face.

“Dancing at the very least,” said Peggy, not sounding the slightest bit amused. “Bloody waste if you ask me. He’ll be arriving and preforming here tomorrow.”

You shook your head, still staring at the poster. “I wouldn't miss it for the world.”

* * *

The captain's performance was, frankly, every bit as hilarious as you expected. The rest of the crowd, however, didn't seem to agree. Instead, they demanded the dancing girls come back on stage. You grimaced as the famous Steve Rogers walked off stage, noticeably embarrassed. The Captain America you knew was a hero, a legend even. But this was before all of his exploits before he saved the world more times than you could count. He barely seemed to be the same man.

You held back for a time, figuring he would want space after such a humiliation. But, as the rain that had been threatening for two days now began to pour, you went searching for him. Surely there was something that pushed him out of the theater and into heroism because he was far better at the latter. Whose brilliant idea even was it to have him dancing around in the first place?

You found him with Peggy, taking refuge from the rain under a wooden awning behind the stage. Peggy's face was stern as you neared, “And these are your only options? Lab rat or dancing monkey?”

“War hero seems like a fun third option.” You cut in, earning a raised eyebrow from Peggy. “Or, you know, literally anything else.”

He looked at you with apprehension and confusion as Peggy took a patient breath. “What Agent L/N means, is you were meant for more than this.”

You extended a hand to him. “Sorry, my humor isn't for everyone. Y/N L/N.”

He nodded, shaking your hand. “Steve Rogers.” He sighed as his attention was pulled to an arriving red cross truck. “These men look like they've gone through hell.”

You crossed your arms, “They've gone through war.”

“These men more than most. They're what's left of the 107th.” Peggy agreed and you winced. What these men had seen seemed to make hell seem heavenly.

Steves' eyes went wide. “The 107th?” He was up and running to the command tent before Peggy could even respond. You and Peggy shared a glance before chasing after him through the rain.

Col. Phillips sat signing what were presumably condolence letters at his desk in the back fo the tent as steve rushed up to him. Phillips looked up just barely before returning to the letters. “If it isn't the star-spangled man with a plan. What do I own the pleasure.”

“I need the casualty list from Azzano,” Steve said with unexplained urgency.

Phillips looked up from his papers with a glare. “You don't get to give me orders.”

“I just need one name,” Steve continued, “Sergeant James Barnes of the 107th.” The name tugged the back of your memory, you had heard it somewhere before, in a museum maybe? That was right, you recalled the handsome picture of a soldier engraved in stone in the howling commando exhibit at the Smithsonian. He had been the one that died. Steve lost his best friend. You gave him a pitiful look as he argued with Phillips, you had always thought that Barnes became a commando before dying.

“But I don't expect you to understand that because you're a chorus girl.” Phillips's harsh words pulled you out of your thoughts.

“I think I understand just fine,” Steve responded coolly.

“Then understand it somewhere else, if I read the posters right you have somewhere to be in 30 minutes.” Phillips moved passed him to look over maps with another officer, making his stance on the conversation clear.

“Yes sir,” Steve said, studying the large map board in front of him, “I do.” He turned on his heels and rushed out of the tent, leaving you and Peggy in his wake.

“I’ll go after him,” Peggy whispered to you. “We need maps and supplies, whatever you can think of, then meet us in the hangar as soon as you can.”

You nodded letting Peggy follow after Steve. You stood there for a moment, pretending to study the map board before quickly and casually taking a smaller map off Col. Phillips desk and slipping it into your coat. With a nod to the nearest officer, you walked out of the tent and into the rain.

Already thoroughly drenched from your previous two treks thought the rain, you didn't bother trying to shield yourself from the downpour as you made your way to the nearest storehouse. Knowing Peggy, they were probably going to get court-martialed with whatever she had planned, so might as well go the whole hog and steal any supplies Steve might need.

You grabbed a gunny sack as soon as you entered the storeroom and started filling: A compass, multiple rations of food, a blanket, flashlight, rope, matches. Anything and everything that you could think of that he might need should he get lost. ‘Cause God knows, the way he was charging off, he damn well didn't consider any of this.

“Hey!” A guard called to you. “You aren't authorized to take any of this!”

You slung the sack over your shoulder as the guard approached. “Youll find that I am, private.” You bluffed. “Under official SSR orders. Unless that is, you want to waste Col Phillips time clearing it with him first?” The guard blanched at the mention of Phillips's name.

“No, Ma’am!” He said quickly, stepping out of your way. You gave a sharp nod before escaping the warehouse. you started toward the Hangar before pausing and looking at the stage. A devilish smile came over you as you changed your course.

The backstage was empty when you entered, likely all the actors and dancers were still on break, leaving the costumes unguarded. Because, really, who on earth would want to steal them, besides you. You hummed the tune to ‘star-spangled man’ as you picked up a helmet with a large white ‘A’. One thing was for sure, steve was going to save the 107th in (extremely questionable) style.

Peggy, Steve, and Stark were waiting at the hangar when you arrived, helmet in hand, a grin plastered across your face. “You know, for a star-spangled man with a plan, I'm wondering if you've ever had a plan in your life.” You teased, handing him the helmet and sack of supplies.

Steve gave you a look as he fiddled with the helmet, “In all fairness ma’am, you haven't known me long.”

“First impressions mean a lot, Rogers.” You shrugged, moving onto Peggy. “Though I’m not sure if this plan is much better than no plan,” You said in a low voice only Peggy could hear.

“We don't have many other options at the current moment.” Peggy defended as Steve and Stark boarded the plane. “Unless you somehow convinced Col. Phillips to give us an army.”

“I'm not a miracle worker.” You sighed.

“You said he was able to do this single-handed, we just need to have faith.” Peggy took a deep breath, even she didn't seem completely convinced.

You nodded, “Time to prove the history books right. I’ll stay grounded to try to keep the colonel distracted. Go.” You gave a mock salute as the plane took off, leaving you behind.

* * *

Keeping Phillips occupied until the plane returned proved to be quite easy. He was already extremely busy, and with some strategic playing dumb and careful excuses as to why you were doing Peggy's work, he was none the wiser until the plane landed the next morning. Then the shit hit the fan.

Steve didn't come back. Two weeks after the flight to Austria and there was absolutely no sign of him either. Phillips was furious, you did everything in your power to avoid him, though you knew it wouldn't be long before consequences came. There was a good possibility that your chance to get home was lost if Steve didn't show up.

You sat on the ground against a tree, picking at your fingers. At this point, you didn't even care about getting home. Instead, you couldn't shake the guilt of getting an avenger killed before the avengers were even a thing. The guilt of it alone made it difficult for you to even sleep at night. you would have gone into Austria yourself to find him, if Phillips hadn't expressly forbidden it, and kept an armed guard on you 24/7 as a baby sitter.

“You look like a child that's been sent to the headmaster,” Peggy said looking down at you.

You nodded, “Feel like it too.”

“Do you regret helping him?” Peggy asked, voice tight.

You sighed and looked up at her, “I regret not helping him more.” You admitted, “I teased him about not having a plan, and then didn't even try to give him one. I could have followed that dumbass into Austria myself.” The young soldier acting as your baby sitter shifted uncomfortably. “Stop acting like you've never heard a woman fucking swear Simmons.”

“Y-yes ma’am” He stammered and you rolled your eyes.

“We did everything we could for him,” Peggy reassured, ignoring Simmons. “He would have walked to Austria if we didn't help him.”

You laughed weakly, “I’ve done stupider things.” You paused for a beat, biting your lip, “Peggy, I, I’m sorry about this all. I could tell how much you liked him.”

Peggy swallowed, “Yes, well. I'm glad he wasn't stuck as a dancing monkey.” She cleared her throat, “I'm going to speak with Col. Phillips if you would like to join me.”

You scoffed, “No, I'd rather him find me if he wants to chew me out.” Peggy nodded and left you sitting under your tree. No doubt Phillips would be in a bad mood. He was finally calling off the searches today, officially labeling Steve Rogers as KIA. God, if only you had just gone with him as back up, at least then either he would be alive or you’d be too dead to care.

You threw your head back in frustration as hoots and hollers came from the front of the camp. Soldiers began running to the gates, curious, you joined them. You gasped when you saw what the soldiers were congregating for.

A hundred some odd men came marching through the gates, Steve Rogers, Captain America, leading the way. Cheers rippled through the crowd as the group walked through the camp, stopping in front of Col. Phillips. You slipped between the men in efforts to get a better view.

“Hey!” The man next to steve yelled, making you freeze, surprised, as you saw the familiar handsome face of a man you had only seen in museum exhibits. “Let's hear it for Captain America!” The crowd roared, men throwing their caps in the air, whistling, yelling, clapping. You found yourself clapping too as Barnes’s eyes locked onto yours for a brief moment. He smiled faintly as he caught sight of you, a sparkle of something in his steel-blue eyes as you shifted your attention to finding Col. Phillips.

You moved through the crowd in search of him, only to find him missing from it. you soon found him exactly where you expected him to be, the SSR command tent. you wore a sly smirk that would have read ‘I told you so” Had he bothered to look up at you. Instead, he focused on packing away his desk. “Don't think for a moment that just because Captain Rogers came back that you're off my shit list Agent L/N.”

You frowned, “He saved at least a hundred and fifty men. I played a part in that.”

“And that’s exactly why I'm not court martialing you for theft of government property.” He said as he tucked away a folder into a box. “Tell Agent Carter to pack her things, we’re returning to London for debriefing first thing tomorrow.”

You scowled, “Yes sir.”


	3. Chapter 2

Being back in London was almost nostalgic to you now. It felt like so long ago that you took your first trip down the elevator to the SSR base. You looked over the maps Steve drew looking for any hint of where the bell might be. Everyone else’s focus may have been on wiping out hydra, but you wanted to go home. Living through the ’40s might be good fun, but you had no intention of living through the ’50s.

You sighed, sitting back in your chair. Your notes and documents had led you to Paris, so logically, it would be best to try the French hydra base first. But your gut said it should be somewhere more defendable, pointing towards a German base. Especially after Steve took down the facility in Austria. You knew that they were going to take down every base, history told you that, so it didn't truly matter. but damn it, you wanted progress on the Bell.

Peggy watched you agonize over the documents for the umpteenth time. The way you threw yourself into your work always worried Peggy. You were rash and quick to act, and combining that with your tendency towards workaholism, you were either going to work yourself sick, or get yourself killed. Or both. You worked like you were running out of time. Only Col. Phillips seemed to have any power to slow you down. “Well?” Peggy finally broke the silence.

“Logically, France is out best bet. I could have myself planted into that town in a week. But if the Captain’s team is going to be shipped out any time soon, then I should be sent to Germany, they’ll probably take down the French and Italian bases before I’m even able to get settled.” You said, poking at the map.

Peggy crossed her arms, “Captain Rogers’ team won't be shipped out for a few months yet.”

You looked up at Peggy, “What?”

“They need to be trained before we send them anywhere,” Peggy said, looking over the maps and documents on your desk.

You shook your head, brows knitted together. “What the hell do you mean they need to be trained? I thought Phillips was sending his best.”

“The Captian requested that he choose his men himself.”

You blinked at Peggy dumbly as the words sank in. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” You stood up, chair screeching behind you, and stormed off to find Col. Phillips. “We don't have fucking time for this.” You growled to yourself as you pushed various SSR agents out of your way. It would take at least two months to train new agents, soldiers, commandoes, whatever the hell they were intending to call themselves. Ant that wasn't even accounting for any mishaps that might happen during training. Officers moved out of your way as you charged up to Phillips. “Colonel Phillips.”

“Agent Taylor, I was wondering when you would be gracing me with your presence,” Phillips said sardonically.

“You can't be serious about making a team of completely untrained personnel.” You huffed, stopping in front of him.

“I am absolutely serious Agent Taylor. You,” He pointed at you, “Don’t get to question that.”

“It will take months. We’ll be wasting time!” You argued, gesturing wildly with your hands.

“Then I suppose you should be doing everything in your power to ensure their training goes as smoothly as possible.” He countered, handing a folder to a secretary and walking away.

You stared at him wide-eyed for a moment before chasing after him. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

Phillips stopped abruptly and turned to face you. “What I mean is, you are in charge of their training. Congratulations Agent Taylor, you ship out to Scotland with them first thing Monday.”

You scowled, “I'm a spy, not a soldier. I should be working on worming my way into one of the hydra bases to-”

“That’s exactly why I’m assigning you to their training.” Phillips interrupted. “You understand what they are getting themselves into. And as much as I hate to admit it, you get results. Until further notice, you are to join and aid Captain Rogers’ commandoes.” He finished, mumbling “And maybe, it will keep you out of trouble.” as he left, leaving you at a loss for words.

You growled, stomping back to your desk where Peggy was waiting. No doubt she already knew the Colonel’s decision. “Are you done stomping around like a child?”

“Absolutely not!” You threw yourself into your chair, nearly tipping it. “Fuck!” You said as you steadied yourself. You took a deep breath, burying your face in your hands. “How the hell am I supposed to make sure these men are ready to storm hydra bases? I’ve never stormed a hydra base in my life Peg.”

Peggy leaned against your desk. “That's never stopped you in the past. Why is it stopping you now?”

You gapped for a moment. “I've only had to worry about myself in the past. Maybe one other person. Not an entire team of people.”

“Well now you do,” Peggy said. “Are you going to manage? Or are you just going to give up?”

“Give up?” You sneered at the idea. “Of course I’m not going to give up. Too many lives are at stake if they aren’t prepared.”

Peggy smiled at you, “Well then, what do you intend to do?”

You sighed, “I intend to get a drink.” You rubbed your temples. Peggy was right, Peggy was always bloody right. You were beginning to wonder if you were the one from the future, or if Peggy was. “I should also have Steve introduce me to his guys.”

Peggy stood up, smoothing out her red dress. “Well, you could kill two birds with one stone.” You looked up at her with an eyebrow raised. “I need to let Captain Rogers know that Howard needs him in the lab tomorrow morning. So I was going to go looking for him in the pub. If you would like to join me.” 

You smirked, “I was wondering why you were all dressed up.” 

* * *

  
Bucky sat at the bar waiting for Steve to return. He sighed as he took in the sounds of the bar, he needed this. After going through that hell, being tortured, feeling like he was going to lose his damn mind, he needed this leave more than anything. Hell, the entire 107th needed it. He sure as hell didn't want to go back any time soon either.

But he knew better. He knew Steve needed him. He knew that even with that serum making his best friend into a super-soldier, Steve was still that bull-headed idiot ready to jump into any fight. Steve needed his help, his strength, and Bucky was damned if he was going to let Steve down. So, as much as he didn't want to go back, he knew he had to.

Bucky smiled as Steve appeared through the bar room’s doors, the look on his face telling Bucky all he needed to know. “See?” Bucky said. “Told you, they're all idiots.” He sipped his drink as Steve sat down. They were all idiots, and at this point, Bucky was sure that he and Steve were the biggest idiots of all.

“How 'bout you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?” A slight smile played on Steve’s lips as he asked.

“Hell no,” Bucky said, voice tired. “That little guy from Brooklyn that was too dumb not to run from a fight, I’m following him.” He looked at Steve and smiled before taking another drink and adding, “But you're keeping the outfit right?”

Steve turned and looked back at the Captain America tour poster, Bucky was never going to let him live this down. “You know what? It's kinda growing on me.”

The singing in the other room stopped, causing the pair to more to investigate as a woman in a red dress walked into the room. “Captain.” She said. Bucky looked her up and down as she walked up to Steve, he would be a liar if he said she wasn’t beautiful.

“Agent Carter.” Steve greeted and Bucky nodded a hello to her.

“Howard has some equipment for you to try. Tomorrow morning?” She said.

Steve nodded, “Sounds good.”

There was a moment of awkward silence before she spoke again. “I see your top squad is prepping for duty.”

Her comment bothered Bucky slightly, were they not allowed to enjoy themselves? “You don't like music?” He asked.

“I do, actually. I might, even, when this is all over, go dancing.” She answered, focusing solely on Steve.

“Then what are we waiting for?” Bucky said, mildly annoyed at her refusal to even look at him. 

“The right partner.” She smiled at Steve, “0800, Captain.”

“Yes, ma’am. I’ll be there.” He nodded as she left.

Bucky huffed in shock at her rejection. “I’m invisible. I’m… I’m turning into you. It’s like some horrible dream.”

Steve chuckled, clapping Bucky on the shoulder. “Don’t take it too hard, I hear she’s got a friend.”

As if on cue, a loud crash came from the other room. All music and singing stopped as a woman's voice yelled, “Touch me again and you’ll get more than a broken nose asshole!” The two men rushed into the room to find a woman in an SSR uniform standing over a soldier bleeding profusely from the face. From the looks of it, you did indeed manage to break his nose. You tucked a bit of disheveled hair behind your ear and straightened your coat with a huff.

You were the woman with the beautiful smile Bucky had seen when he first got back to the camp he realized. He didn't know you had gone on leave with the 107th. “That is Agent Carter’s friend,” Steve whispered in Bucky’s ear. He couldn't help but laugh. Yes, of course, the one that just broke a man’s nose was Agent Carter’s friend. At the very least, he was impressed. It wasn't every day that you meet a woman that knows how to break a man’s nose.

Hearing his laughter, you turned to look at them as the man scrambled away in shame. “Captain Rogers.” Unlike Agent Carter, You didn’t seem happy to see him. “I was hoping to be able to finish my drink before I found you.” You picked a glass up off the bar and downed it.

Steve scoffed and crossed his arms. “Is everything alright Agent Taylor?”

“Besides being groped by drunk soldiers that don't know the meaning of ‘leave me alone’?” You glanced back at the two soldiers nearest to you. The men paled noticeably and took a step back. Bucky frowned at them, who paled even further when they noticed his glare, they knew Bucky wasn't going to let them get away with that. They were going to wish they had walked away with broken noses. “No, Actually, I’m here to meet your team.” You sighed, clearly not wanting to be there.

Steve looked at you for a moment before nodding, “This is Sergeant James Barnes” He said, gesturing to Bucky. You smiled at him in a way that made Bucky wonder if you recognized him from Italy. “He’s my-”

“Best friend?” You asked, an eyebrow raised and a playful smile on your lips. “I assumed as much considering I was nearly court-martialed trying to help you save him. Or, were you going to say second in command?” You teased as you held your hand out to him. “I’m Agent Y/N L/N.” He smiled as he shook your hand, you certainly weren't afraid to speak your mind. “Who are the others?” You asked, suddenly more serious. 

Steve gestured towards the table of men nearest to the trio, eyeing them cautiously. Or more specifically, they were eyeing you cautiously. You took a deep breath and mumbled something Bucky couldn't hear before approaching the table. “Hello men,” You said as you sat down with them.

Steve and Bucky followed you but remained standing. The other men grunted hellos before Steve spoke up. “With all due respect Agent Taylor. What is this all about?”

You sighed, leaning back in your chair. “Col. Phillips, in his infinite wisdom, decided to place me in charge of ensuring your men are properly prepared and trained to take down hydra.” You couldn’t sound more sarcastic if you tried.

“Phillips is sending his secretaries to train us?” Dum Dum gruffed, clearly unsure of what to make of the situation.

“Spy, actually.” Falsworth corrected before you could. “Though, I thought you were with MI6”

You looked at Falsworth for a moment before recognition bloomed on your face. “You're that paratrooper I helped in Russia.” You shook your finger at him, “Falsworth, wasn't it?”

“Its good to see you again Agent Taylor. I never did get to thank you for saving my hide.” He nodded, raising his glass to you. You nodded in response.

Bucky grabbed the back of a chair, looking at you incredulously, “You don’t seem to be particularly enthused about this.” You looked up at him, and he swore he saw the ghost of a smile flash on your lips before you glanced away.

“You're absolutely right.” You said. “If I had my way, I would be halfway to fucking Germany right now.” Bucky’s lip curled upward, that was the second time he heard you curse, you really didn't give a damn what any of them though, did you?

“It’s not very ladylike to swear like that you know.” Dum Dum said, a twinkle in his eye as he took a drink of his stout.

You looked taken aback at his comment. Your eyebrow quirked upward as you nodded your head. “My apologies.” You said, “I didn't realize I was supposed to conform myself to your ideals of a lady. I’ll be sure to do that when I remember to give a damn.”

The table was silent for a beat before bursting into laughter. “Alright,” Dum Dum said, wiping tears from his eyes. “You've made a fair point there.”

“I’m glad,” You said, “I already went over my daily allowance of broken noses.”

“You know Doll if more dames could punch like that, we might have already won the war,” Bucky said, finally sitting down.

You looked at him, scoffing slightly, “Well, Sergeant Barnes, That's something you should take up with your superiors. I know plenty of nurses that would have rathered guns over bandages.”

“I’ll be sure to get right on that,” He said. He liked your attitude, your willingness to speak your mind, and your wit. “And you can call me Bucky. Everyone else here does.”

You smiled that smile Bucky was already starting to like a bit too much. “I think you’ll find that I don’t do things just because everyone else does, Sarge.” Bucky was left speechless as the men around him laughed. He had honest to god, no damn clue how to respond to that.

Steve laughed at his friend’s silence. “You may just be the first woman that managed to make Buck speechless.” He said. Bucky’s cheeks warmed and he elbowed Steve in the side.

You laughed, it was a nice laugh almost giggly, “If that’s all it takes then you must not talk to many girls.”

Bucky feigned offense, “I’ll have you know, Brooklyn’s gals were heartbroken when I was shipped out.”

You hummed, unconvinced, “Guess you must talk and never listen then.”

“I’m listenin’ to ya now, ain’t I Doll?” He shot back.

“There's a first for everything.” You grinned.

“Doll, I’m starting to think you're tryin’ to hurt my feelings.”

You gasped, placing a hand on your chest, “Me? Never.” You looked over the men once more before drumming your hands on the table. “As much fun as I’m having boys, I still have work to do. I also regret to inform you all, that your leave ends Monday. You are all expected to be on the train to Inverness at 0600 Monday morning.” The men groaned.

“You're killin’ us!” Morita said, “We only just got here. We need a break!”

“Sucks for you.” You said with a shrug. “I haven't had a break in two years, I’m sure you’ll survive.” You stood up with a stretch. “I’ll see you all on the train. Cap.” You nodded to Steve, then gave Bucky a mischevious smile, “Sergeant Barnes.” You said with a casual salute.

Bucky watched you intently as you left. He found himself far more excited about the end of leave than he was just a few hours ago. Steve grabbing his shoulder pulled Bucky’s attention away from you. “And you said you were turning into me.”

Bucky rolled his eyes as the men teased him, “Yeah yeah. Laugh it up. We’ll see how much you assholes are laughing on the train at six in the morning.”

“Whatever you say, Sergeant Barnes.” Dum Dum teased, downing the last of his pint.


	4. Chapter 3

You flipped through the dossiers for the hundredth time that morning alone. The team, actually, wasn't all that bad. You had seen Falsworth in action just last year, no doubt he already had the majority of this training. There was a Harvard graduate, fluent in three languages, you wondered if he would be willing to learn a fourth. Next, a member of the resistance with an expertise in explosives. After that, an army ranger able to speak Japanese, and a man that, quite frankly, looked like he was trying to impersonate Teddy Roosevelt. All in all, they weren't nearly as bad as you had been expecting, and from first encounters, they all seemed enjoyable as well.

You paused when you flipped to Bucky’s dossier. The black and white photo really didn't do him justice. Not that the photo was bad, just that it really couldn't quite capture his eyes or his smile for that matter. Reading his dossier was like reading his exhibit in the Smithsonian, all cold facts and information that failed to perfectly reflect the man you had met just two days ago. It felt so surreal, knowing someone who was so full of life and knowing that they were going to die. You thought back to the exhibit, clearly, he wasn't supposed to die in Azzano, you thought that had sounded wrong. But for the life of you, you couldn't quite recall how he was supposed to die, just vaguely something about a train. You wondered if there was a way to prevent it.

If you even could. Any time you tried to prevent anything, it never worked. Either way, you needed to stop worrying about him. As charming as he was, you had a job to do, a home to get back to. And you weren't about to let some pretty eyes distract you. Especially, when those eyes belonged to someone from the god damned ‘40s.

A tug on your hair pulled you from your thoughts, making you jump. You looked back to see Bucky in the back of the Jeep you were waiting in, a boyish grin plastered on his face, and Steve rolling his eyes next to him. “Really Barnes? Pulling on girls' hair? What are you, ten?”

“Can’t argue with methods that work Doll.” He beamed, “We’ve been tryin’ to get your attention a few minutes now. And I thought I was Sergeant Barnes.”

“Last I checked, ten-year-olds don't get to be sergeants.” You said with a teasing look.

“Shoulda told him that when he enlisted,” Steve said with a smile, elbowing Bucky in the side.

You furrowed your brow, “Enlisted?” Bucky frowned, giving a nearly imperceptible shake of his head. “I’m not used to working with men who willingly enlisted.” You quickly lied. Clearly, Steve had no idea Bucky was drafted, and that was not something you were about to reveal yourself. “Are you and your men ready to go?”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Steve nodded, glancing behind his shoulder and then at Bucky, “We’re all present and accounted for.”

You smiled and nodded to the driver, “You heard the man. Shouldn't need me to tell you to get this show on the road.” The soldier grunted, and the Jeep moved forward with a jolt. “The camp is about half an hour out, but a warm meal should be waiting for everyone when we get there.”

“Sounds great,” Steve said, “Any idea on what this training will entail?”

“Nope,” You popped the ‘p’ for emphasis. “Haven't been planning it out all weekend of anything.” You looked back to see Steve slightly flushed. Smiling, you shifted in your seat to talk to them easier, “I’ve got what Phillips wants you to know, I’ve got what I know you guys need to know to survive alone in Germany, and then I’ve got whatever the hell it is Stark has cooked up for your ace team. I figure if you boys learn one or two things each during the next few weeks, were golden.”

“One or two things each?” Steve questioned, “Don't you think you're setting the bar low?”

You shook your head, “Absolutely not. This training facility is for training spies and saboteurs, people that need to be able to survive in a warzone completely and totally alone. Most of the recruits won't even make it the first two weeks. If I held your team to the same standard, over half of them would fail. It’s nothing wrong with them, the training is just that strict and we don’t have time to mess around. Hell, I would have failed it if I didn’t cheat a little.”

Bucky laughed, “You sure you should be telling us that Doll?”

“What are they going to do?” You asked, “Fire me? As much as Phillips hates me, he knows he can’t afford to fire me. It's a very interesting sense of job security.”

“I’m sure Col. Phillips doesn’t hate you,” Steve said, sounding entirely unsure himself. Peggy, no doubt, told him about the countless little squabbles you had gotten into with Col. Phillips.

“The entire reason I was assigned to train you is because Phillips thinks it will keep me out of his hair.” You said, looking out the jeep to the frostbitten countryside. You had no doubt Phillips didn't mind the idea of you freezing your ass off in the middle of winter either, just as long as he didn't have to deal with you.

“Speaking of trains,” Bucky spoke up, “I thought you said you were going to meet us on the trains, not picking us up from it.”

You looked at him with an eyebrow raised, “I was. Then I got tired of waiting and took the last train out on Friday. I don't like staying in one place long.”

“We were barely in London for a few days Doll.” His flirtatious smile made you bite back a smile of your own. 

“What exactly is this ‘Doll’ nonsense?” You asked, locking eyes with Bucky. “Last I checked I wasn’t a doll.”

“You’re as pretty as one though,” He winked and your heart skipped. How someone could possibly be so damn charming, you had no idea.

“Wow.” You said, your lips finally curling upwards. “Bet you break a lot of hearts with that one.”

His face went stony as if you had accused him of something serious. “Never intentionally. I would never break a dame’s heart if I could help it.”

“You better be careful then,” You said softly, “Flirting like that is liable to break more than a few.” Something about how he said it, how earnest his voice sounded, made you want to believe him. However, you had no doubt in your mind that he had unintentionally broken many hearts.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He said, seriousness fading only barely. He was a good man, you decided, better than most. Which only made his fate rest even more uneasily in your mind. He didn’t deserve to die. You barely knew him and still felt with all your heart that you wanted to save him.

The rest of the ride to the camp was peacefully quiet, save for a few quips back and forth between Steve and Bucky. And, as promised, dinner awaited all of them when they arrived. The length of the trip took the majority of the day, leaving the men the evening to settle in. Tomorrow would be the start of their training, and the start of a very long two months.

* * *

  
The next few days proved to be interesting. The commandoes quickly fell into a daily routine, in the mornings would be general physical training and combat training, mainly trying the group trying to learn how the hell to fight with a shield. The afternoons after lunch would be far more varying, the subject would change daily, covering a wide variety of topics, from picking locks to explosives and demolition. Bucky found the routine to be strangely comforting as if he were back in basic and not training to be some elite force for Captain America. Of course, his basic training never had a pretty woman supervising over it.

It was easy for Bucky to grow fond of you in the week that he had known you thus far. Fiery and sassy, You were quick to argue with just about everyone if you felt so inclined. Frankly, you reminded him of Steve in a lot of ways. Just being around you had the ability to put Bucky in a good mood. Which was exactly why he was grinning like an idiot as he and Steve trekked down to the explosives range after lunch.

You were carrying crates from a truck with Dernier as the two men approached, early for training by at least fifteen minutes. As you lifted a particularly large crate Bucky stepped in to take it from you. “I can carry it, Sergeant.” You said, refusing to give over the crate.

He gave you a cocky smile, “Sorry doll, but if my Ma found out I didn’t help a woman carry something so heavy, she’d have my hide.” You looked at him for a moment, considering his argument, before smiling and handing over the crate.

“Take it to the pile by the tables, you too Steve,” You ordered, nodding at steve who was grabbing a crate of his own. “Once you’re there, help Jacques unpack them onto the tables.” The men nodded and followed your direction, carrying the crates to the tables. They were hardly halfway there when you passed them with an even larger crate, a devilish smirk on your face. “Come on boys, at least try to keep up!”

The men stopped in their tracks, bewildered. Steve was the first to crack, laughing so hard he nearly dropped his crate. “Careful punk,” Bucky warned. “Don’t need Captain America blowing up on us.”

“I was wondering why she gave in so easy,” Steve said, regaining his composure and continuing toward the tables where you and Dernier were now unpacking various explosive chemicals.

Bucky chuckled, “Yeah, shoulda really expected something like that, huh?” He said, setting his crate next to Steve’s. Bucky looked up at you as he opened up the box, barely paying attention to what he was doing. You really was something, just about everything you did somehow managed to play on Bucky’s mind on repeat even hours after it had happened. After all the things Bucky had seen and experienced, your presence was almost ethereal, too good to be true. “She’s funny like that, ain't she. Most gals would have loved to have someone helping them.”

“Her and Peggy are cut from the same cloth,” Steve said, setting a box of TNT onto the table. 

Bucky pulled wires and fuses from his crate, tearing his attention away from you. “You think so?” Bucky really didn't know Peggy well, besides when she completely rejected him at the bar, but Steve seemed head over heels for you. Bucky was pretty sure that he’d heard more about Peggy in the last few days than he had about anyone else coming from Steve.

“I don’t think she would be friends with anyone who wasn’t,” Steve said, leaning against the table. “You seem to like her though.” Bucky rolled his eyes; as if that wasn’t the most obvious statement in the world. He had been openly flirting with you since you met. Unfortunately, despite your flirting back, you seemed perfectly content keeping Bucky at a distance.

“Steve!” you called from a different table. “Toss me a bundle of TNT please.” Steve obliged, tossing the bundle with an underhand throw directly into your arms. “Thanks!” You said with a smile and a nod before turning back to Dernier.

“Why is it you get to be Steve and I’m still ‘Sergeant Barnes’?” Bucky complained. “I’m the only one she calls by rank and last name.”

Steve shrugged, “She calls Col. Phillips by rank and last name.” he said, looking over one of the TNT bundles.

“Steve,” Bucky crossed his arms, “She hates Col. Phillips.”

Steve chuckled, “I’m pretty sure she’s doing it to fuck with you, Buck. If its really bothering you, ask her to stop.” He tossed the bundle in his hand into the air, catching it again with ease. “How big do you think the explosion would be if we blew up a whole box of these?”

Bucky stared at his friend, knowing exactly what was going through his head. A boyish smile grew on Bucky’s face “You think it’ll be anything like that Fourth of July when we were teenagers?” He asked, taking the last box of TNT from the crate.

“I was thinking more along the lines of Loony Toons.” Steve said, “Big crater in the grounds, burn marks everywhere.” 

Bucky laughed, he could only imagine it. Bucky took the bundle from Steve’s hands. “Only one way to find out right? I bet you a dollar it’s like the fireworks. These things are basically giant firecrackers right?” He said, taking the box and bundle out away from the tables until he was sure it was safe. After setting the box down, he lit the bundle with his lighter and threw it into the box, before backing away to what he thought was a safe distance.

Bucky glanced back at Steve as the TNT went off. He didn't have a chance to react as the force of the blast sent him flying backward. His ears rang as he blinked away the shock. He didn't feel hurt, so that was a good sign, but damn, if he didn't expect that.

“Bucky?! Holy shit are you okay?” A frantic voice asked. Still dazed, he turned his head to see you and Steve next to him. “You could have died!” You fretted over him, checking for injuries. “I thought you would have been the responsible one after Steve tried to walk to Austria. Jesus Christ. But no, here you are, almost blowing yourself up.”

“I am the responsible one.” He argued. Steve scoffed and shook his head, but didn’t try to deny it, knowing he would be proven wrong. Bucky blinked a few more times while brushing dust out of his hair until the realization struck him. “Since when do you call me Bucky?”

You scowled, “You almost got yourself killed and you're seriously focusing on what name I call you?”

Bucky smirked, “What can I say Doll, I was expecting the blast.”

You groaned, “Next time Barnes, run twice the distance you think you need to.” You rubbed your face and sighed. “What the hell were you even thinking?”

“That that punk was gonna do it if I didn’t,” He said, gesturing to Steve. You stared at Steve, who returned your inspection with a sheepish smile as if to say that Bucky was completely right. “That had a hell of a lot more kick than the fireworks. That’s for sure.”

You rolled your eyes, “We were already going to blow it up!” You tried to continue to scold, but Bucky could see the corners of your lips twitching upwards. “Seriously, I actually will get fired if I let Captain America die on my watch.”

Bucky stood up and pulled a dollar bill from his pocket, handing it to Steve. “Trust me Doll, as long as I’m alive, I’m gonna make sure Steve is too.” 

Your face clouded over, “I don’t want you to die either.” You said with a level of earnestness that threw Bucky off.

“I ain’t gonna die on ya either.” He reassured, but you didn't seem to be convinced.

You took a deep breath, “Come on, the others are almost here.” You said, pointing at the three men coming down the hill. “We’ve gotta teach you all how to blow shit up without blowing yourself up in the process.”


	5. Chapter 4

You shivered against the late December wind as you made your way to the edge of the base. You were going to give Phillips so much hell when this was all over. Five days until Christmas, the middle of winter, and you were about to go camping. Camping of all things. You grumbled a bit more at your fate before readjusting the rucksack on your back and continuing.

The men were waiting at the edge of the woods as the instructing agent went over what they were expected to do over the next few days. “If you put your training to good use, you’ll be spending Christmas Eve in a warm bed, with a turkey dinner waiting for you when you wake up.” He said as you entered earshot.

“And if you have particularly good observational skills, It’ll only take about a six-hour ruck march to get there.” You added, hands grasping the straps of your pack as you walked up to the group.

The men groaned at the words ‘ruck march’ and the agent only sighed, “Glad to see you finally join us, Agent L/N.” He said, frustration clear in his voice, “Perhaps it would be prudent to remind you, you are not allowed to help them with navigation.

You rolled your eyes, “Still bitter I beat you at map reading then.” You said walking past him and towards the men, “I’m expressly forbidden from taking any kind of leadership role in this. Phillips wants your training tested, not mine.”

“You’re coming with us then, Agent L/N?” Bucky asked, arms crossed. He always did his best to be professional in front of the other agents at the base, something you could respect. It was a trait that didn't seem to be universal, much to your annoyance.

You nodded, “I’m under strict orders to train and aid the Howling Commandoes until Phillips needs me elsewhere. So here I am.” The men grinned in pride at the group name. They had spent weeks coming up with it.

Steve looked at Bucky and smiled, “We’re always happy to have you around, Ma’am.” Steve nodded to the men, and saluted the agent, “If that's all Sir, I think it’s time I confer with my team and head out.”

The agent saluted in return, “You’ve already got the maps, everything else is up to you.” He said, and turned to leave, though not before adding, “And if you miss it, Happy Christmas.”

Falsworth opened the map they had been supplied with and pointed to the target destination. Dugan helped hold the map open as Falsworth spoke, “The camp itself is about 30 kilometers east of here, the snow will slow us down but as long as we follow a relatively straight path, we should get there in no time.”

Steve pointed to a feature on the map, “A straight path might not be so easy with how rocky it gets around here, getting around the mountains might add a few klicks.” He looked hopefully at you. “Do you know a good route?”

You scoffed, tilting your head and crossing your arms, “I know a great route. But, it requires a 6-hour ruck march and I’m not allowed to tell you, remember? I can help set up camp and shit, I can’t navigate for you. Colonel’s orders.”

Falsworth and Steve sighed as the went back to the map. It wasn't that you didn't want to help, god, you wanted to help just so you didn’t have to sleep on snow. Unfortunately, any help you could give would be far too obvious, and thus, reported to Col. Phillips immediately. And while you had a feeling nothing would be don't, it wasn't something you wanted to risk when your entire goal was to get them to finish training as quickly as possible. The two men nodded to each other before Steve turned to the group, “Alright men, we don't have much sunlight to spare, so let's move out. The more ground we cover today, the better.”

The men sounded their agreement as they all entered the forest. For the most part, the fir trees kept a lot of the snow off the forest floor, making the trek slightly smoother. The mountains, however, did not. They added at least five kilometers to the journey in efforts to avoid the most mountainous areas, and even then, most of the terrain was rocky and icy, not a very fun combination.

They traveled until it was nearly sunset before finally stopping in a small clearing to set up camp. You set your rucksack down as Steve began assigning jobs. "Dernier, I want you to work on getting the fire started. Falsworth, Morita, Dugan, and L/N work on putting up the tents. Jones and Buck, come with me to get firewood." Steve said, setting his own pack down, and the entire team sprung into motion.

"Dum Dum, Jim, you two start clearing away snow for the tents," Falsworth said. "Y/N, help me unpack the supplies."

"Aye aye." You said as you started pulling the tents out of the men's packs. In no time the materials for four pup tents were spread around the campfire Dernier was nursing. You clapped your hands together looking at the piles of canvas and tent stakes. "It's going to be a bitch to drive these stakes into the frozen ground."

Falsworth handed you a hammer, "No worse than Russia, I'm sure."

You scoffed, taking the hammer. "Nothing will ever be worse than camping during the Russian winter." You shivered at the thought of it, that night had been absolute hell. "Let's get to work." You said, picking up a tent support post and ramming it into the ground, hammering it down a few times for good measure. Carefully, you let it go and backed away, cheering when it didn't fall. The second post wasn't so easy, no matter how hard you tried to force it into the ground, it refused to stay upright.

You growled at the stake, honestly wishing you could just snap it in half. Morita grabbed it before you could try to ram it into the ground once more. "Need help?" He asked and you handed over the stake with a huff.

"There's a reason I took the ruck march." You said and puffed out your cheeks.

"Yeah, because you're a masochist." He laughed. "I'll get the post, you grab the cover." He said pointing to the canvas tent cloth. You grabbed the cloth as Morita worked the post into the ground. With the posts finally secured, you spread the canvas over them with a flick of your wrist. You both finished securing the tent to the ground, ending with a result that, hopefully, wouldn't collapse.

"Thanks." You said, nudging him slightly with your elbow.

"No problem." He said. "Wouldnt do any good if one of our tents collapsed right?" You took a deep breath and nodded, looking over the tent again. It was rare for you to rough it in the woods, and usually, you didn't even bother with tents. "Come on, it looks like Jacques has something cooking on the fire."

You sat at the now rather large fire, warming your numbing hands as Dernier boiled cans of food rations in a pot over it. An impressively large pile of firewood sat next to him, no doubt primarily thanks to a specific super-soldier. As if summoning them with a mere thought, Jones, Steve and Bucky emerged from the forest. Bucky and Jones carried two large bundles of branches in their arms, while Steve might as well have been carrying an uprooted tree.

"I don't think we're going to need this much wood boys." You teased them as they dropped the branches into the pile.

"That's what I told them," Jones said sitting down next to Dernier.

"It's going to be cold tonight, the bigger the fire the better." Steve defended as he started to cut into the log with an ax.

Bucky nodded, "you can never be too careful." He sat down next to you, "I'd rather have too much wood than freeze."

"We're going to need someone up to keep it goin'," Dugan said, carefully pulling a can from the boiling water.

Falsworth sipped from a tin cup, "Everyone taking a two-hour fire watch should get us through the night. Perhaps turns going clockwise around the tents?" He traced his finger in a clockwise circle in the air.

"I can take the first watch," Morita said. "I'll wake up who ever's in my tent."

Dugan shifted slightly, brows furrowed, "So how exactly are we deciding who is in a tent with who?" he glanced briefly at you. "Especially considering-"

"If you bring up the fact that I'm a woman I'm actually going to punch you, Dugan," You said flatly, glaring at him.

"He has a point doll, it would be-"

"I swear to god Barnes if you say 'proper'." you threatened, almost growling. "Its hardly going to be the first time I had to sleep next to a man."

Bucky went slightly pink and Falsworth laughed, "You don't exactly have a choice when you're in the middle of Russia in the winter do you?" He said.

"Exactly." You said, "I don't give a damn who I share a tent with, but if protecting my honor or some shit really means that much to you Bucky, feel free. Just know I sleep with a pistol and a knife under my pillow and I'm a very light sleeper."

Bucky flushed three shades deeper and shifted uncomfortably as he cleared his throat, "I wasn't trying to insult your doll, I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it is all."

Your lips curled upwards, it was always cute when you managed to fluster him. When all his charming bravado was stripped away he turned out to be so soft and kind. He meant well, you knew that, so did Dugan, but you had no patience for being singled out based on your gender. Seeing him so embarrassed, however, eased your annoyance slightly. "I think I've proven very well that I can defend myself." You said, "And I've also proven I'm not really one to care about what's proper or not." You stood up, yawning. "You boys can decide who's comfortable bunking with me. I, however, just got done hiking 15 kilometers, so I'm going to bed. Wake me up when it's my turn to keep the fire going." You finished before retiring to a tent.

* * *

The fire crackled loudly as you threw another log onto the flames. It had already been three hours since you had woken up and sent Jones to bed, but you couldn't convince yourself to go back to sleep. You weren't entirely sure you wanted to.

The crunch of snow alerted you to someone's approach, but you didn't bother to look to see who it was, instead, focusing on the flames. "You know, I've been meaning to ask," Bucky said, sitting down next to you. "How exactly does a girl like you end up in a place like this? You're too smart to actually want to be here."

You laughed turning the tin cup in your hands with your fingers, "You know, I ask myself that every day." You took a sip from your cup and continued, "The answer, apparently, is by helping a friend."

"Helping a friend," he said. "One hell of a way to help a friend."

"He definitely owes me, that's for damn sure." You smiled slightly, Clint wasn't going to believe any of this when you got back, if you did. "And you're one to talk. Mister 'joins an elite squad for his best friend'."

He chuckled, "Okay, you've got me there." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and matches. "Want one?" he asked, offering the pack to you.

"You know, those things cause cancer." You said, shaking your head.

Bucky looked at you like you had two heads as he put a cigarette between his lips. "Since when?" He asked as he lit it with a match.

"Since always." You said, sipping your drink. "Just wait, the science will come out, I promise."  
  
He hummed, clearly unconvinced, as he took a drag of the cigarette. "We'll have to see then." He said, "What are you drinking?"

"Some dirt I thought it would be a good idea to boil." You deadpanned, looking into your cup. "Actually, on second thought, that's an insult to dirt."

"And you say cigs will give you cancer." He joked as you poured out the last of the coffee in the cup.

"To be fair," You said, setting the cup down, "I'm shocked I'm not dead already. What are you doing up anyway? Can't sleep?"

Bucky squinted at the fire, "I don't think I've had a solid night's sleep since Azzano." He said. "Every time I close my eyes it's like I'm back there, in that little cage, or worse, on that godforsaken torture table." He noticeably shivered at the thought. "It's stupid, I know it isn't real but..." He trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words.

"The human mind is intense." You said, poking at the flames, considering adding another log.

"Yeah," He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "That's one way to put it."

"It isn't stupid though." You looked at him, he looked so tired in the glow of the flame, almost fragile even. He was almost always putting on a brave face you realized. But here, maybe due to the cold, or maybe due to exhaustion, he let the facade drop, with only you there to witness it. "You've seen things, experienced things, that most people could never even dream of. War is horrific. There are probably thousands of men dealing with the same things you are. The nightmares, the memories, the fear, and the pain and the guilt. Most of them are too scared to even talk about it, not wanting to be called crazy or weak. It's not stupid at all."

Bucky looked at your, face indecipherable, "You talk about it like you have first-hand experience."

You looked into the fire, unsure of how to answer, or even if you should. You bit your lip and sighed, "I don't work on the front lines like most everyone else. I work so deep behind them that it often feels like I'm on a desolate island with only my worst enemies. I try to work with resistance groups when I can." You swallowed the lump in your throat as it came up. "Usually when I do, it involves doing things to protect Jewish civilians. Falsifying documents, securing safe ways out of the city, even dying their hair blond to make them look more Aryan. Really just about anything to keep them safe.

"That's what I was doing a few months ago in Paris when a woman and her children came into the little hidey-hole that the resistance had set up, begging for help. She wasn't Jewish, but her children were, and she was terrified she would lose them like her husband. We helped the best we could. God, you should have seen her face as she thanked us, a two-year-old in her arms and a five-year-old clinging to her dress." You took a deep breath and wiped tears from your eyes. "I found all three of them dead on the side of a street a week later. The mother still clinging to her baby, a gunshot to all of their heads."

"Jesus." Bucky swore, rubbing his jaw, "Doll I-"

"I'm not telling you this for pity." You said quickly, "I'm telling you this so that you know you aren't alone. I know what it's like to go to sleep and relive every horror you've ever seen. To constantly be alert for another horrific thing to happen. To constantly be wearing a mask just to make it another day without losing your mind. I know what it's like. You aren't alone, you aren't crazy, and you aren't weak. There's only so much trauma the mind can handle at once, and God knows that was only the most recent of the traumas I've seen, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

"It's not stupid Bucky." You looked over at him, a look of surprise on his face as he held his chin in his hand. "It's the least stupid thing in the world. I promise."

You stared at each other in silence for a few beats before you felt your face grow hot and you turned back towards the fire, throwing yet another log onto the flames. Suddenly, you felt extremely silly sharing so much. You tried to ignore the sick feeling in your stomach as the silence dragged on.

"That's the second time you've left me speechless." He said, quietly enough that the popped of the fire almost drowned him out. "Steve was right, you really are something."

The breath caught in your throat as you froze, heart racing. Now it was your turn to be speechless. How on earth two sentences could feel so damn important, you had no idea. Bucky was kind, and good, and strong, but you shouldn't be getting this flustered over what he thought of you. "No," You shook your head as if the action itself were pushing something down deep inside of you. "I'm just me. That's it."

He nodded, "That's exactly my point." You poked at the fire, thanking every deity above that you could blame your red cheeks on the cold. "Not many people would say something like that. It, uh," He rubbed the back of his neck, "It means a lot doll, it really does."

A few more beats of silence passed as you tried to make sense of the situation. "You know," You said, heart pounding as you tried to find a way to change the subject. "I wasn't kidding when I said we could get to the other base in six hours." James Buchannan Barnes was going to be the death of you, and it wasn't going to be the charm that did you in at this point. There were so many reasons not to fall in love with him, but god if your heart didn't want to listen.

He shook his head, accepting the change in subject. "I've been looking at that map all day, there's no way in hell."

"That map doesn't have the road on it."

"The what?"

"The road. There's a road about half an hour's walk from the starting point. They leave it off the maps they hand out so that people don't use the road. Takes you right to the next base camp." You explained, pointing northward. "'Course, normally this is supposed to be a race, so the ruck march makes more sense."

Bucky looked impressed, "How did you find it?"

"The map looked off, different from what I was used to. So I went to investigate." You threw two more logs onto the fire and the flames quickly burst to life. "Ended up finding a road and made it to my destination before sundown. Couldn't walk for two days straight after that, but I got to stay in the training program."

"They were going to kick you out if you didn't walk 30 kilometers in a day?"

You shook your head, "No, like I said, it was a race. The second half of recruits to arrive were dropped from the program and used elsewhere."

"So you walked 30 kilometers in a day," he said it more than asked.

"Yep."

"Doll, you don't get to question if I'm the responsible one if you do things like that." he teased, a genuine smile on his face for the first time all night.

Your jaw dropped in mock offense, "You blew up three pounds of TNT because Steve suggested it!"

"That punk would have done it anyway! you know how many fights I got in because he started them? And he wasn't all muscley back then either." You laughed as the thought and Bucky's smile widened. "I'm serious! He's a menace! Absolutely no sense of self-preservation."

"I believe it." You said, "I just don't believe you have any either."

"Coming from the dame that walked 30 kilometers in six hours instead of camping on the side of the road." He argued, crossing his arms.

"I didn't want to lose!" You said a little louder than you meant to. A distinct snort from Dugan's tent pulled their attention away from the conversation.

Bucky put a finger over his lips and shushed, "We don't want to wake everyone up."

You snorted, "Like you weren't being just as loud as me."

Bucky bit his lip to keep from laughing, "I'm not the one that almost woke Dum Dum up." he said before getting a handful of snow shoved into his face. He stared at you in disbelief as you gave him a smug look. "Really?"

Before you could think to get away, Bucky wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer, and piled two large handfuls of snow onto your head. You gasped at the cold sensations as you tried to wiggle out of his grasp. You stopped when you looked up at him, realizing just how close you were.

Bucky laughed, not seeming to notice the closeness himself. Your heart hammered in your chest, the scent of the pinewood he helped chop still clung to him, mixing with his own scent, you had never been so close to him before. Bucky seemed to notice your stillness and looked down at you, finally realizing the position you both were in.

You had no idea how long you stayed like that, staring at each other in silence before you finally spoke up. "I should probably turn in."

Bucky blinked once or twice before releasing you as if you were on fire. "Yeah. Yeah," he nodded as you stood up. "Don't worry about sending the next person out. I will when I go back to my tent."

You nodded back, "Goodnight." You said and retreated to your tent before he could respond. You couldn't fall in love with a man you knew was likely to die. You couldn't. You buried yourself in your sleeping bag with a huff, thinking about how much colder you were out of his arms.

"You two are quite cute together," Falsworth said, not bothering to open his eyes.

"Shut up."


	6. Chapter 5

Christmas at the base was an interesting affair. An outsider may have called it pathetic or pitiful, but it was an important morale boost to the men and women involved. All training for the day had been canceled, and all personnel on the base gathered at the mess hall to celebrate. Music played from a radio as men and women laughed, danced, and drank.

You smiled and sipped your drink as you watched Dugan and Jones attempt to ‘convince’ Steve to wear a Santa’s hat and beard. Or rather, the two of them were trying to slip it onto his head every time he had his back turned. There was a ten-dollar reward for anyone that could manage it. “Maybe you should try tackling him!” You yelled to the pair as the failed once again.

“Don’t give them ideas Doll.” Bucky laughed next to Steve, “They might hurt themselves.”

You shrugged. “Wouldn’t be my fault if they decide to do it.” Neither you nor Bucky had talked about that night by the fire a few days ago, and as far as you were concerned, you were okay with that. You didn’t want to think about the slight flutter in your chest that you got whenever you so much as glanced at him, and you sure as hell didn't want to think about the way your stomach swooped when you got near him. You had a mission to accomplish! A goal to meet! A home to get back to. You couldn’t risk your future over some pretty eyes and a nice smile.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Falsworth asked, sitting down next to you.

You hummed, considering his question for a moment, “We’re halfway there. In a month's time, you boys will have all the training we can give you and you’ll be off storming hydra bases and killing Nazis.” You took another sip of your drink, the alcohol burned your throat as it went down. That was probably only half of the things on your mind. “I just really hope it will be enough.”

Falsworth looked at you, “Are you worried it won’t be?”

“Aren’t you?” You asked, “We’re treading dangerous waters here. Any one of you could end up dead.” You watched Bucky from across the room, his face slightly flushed from drinking, donning the hat and beard the men had been trying to get on Steve.

“Why do I get the distinct impression you worry for some of us more than others?” Falsworth asked with a knowing smile, glancing briefly at Bucky. At that moment, Bucky turned his head and caught sight of you, smiling widely as their eyes met. Your face went warm before you broke eye contact to look at Falsworth.

“It’s the wrong impression.” You said coolly.

“Ah, yes.” Falsworth chuckled, “However could I have gotten it?”

You glowered at him, “Flirting doesn’t have to mean anything.”

He nodded in agreement, “Quite true.” He said, “But, generally speaking, Flirting with only one person tends to mean quite a bit.”

You inhaled sharply as you searched for an excuse, “There’s hardly any women around to flirt with.”

“Plenty of women around today, and yet the only one he seems to be interested in even looking at is you.” Your heart pulsed at Falsworth’s observation. He was right though, for all of Bucky’s talk about being a ladies’ man, you only had his and Steve’s stories as any kind of proof. You shook your head as if to try to banish the thought from your mind.

“We’re in the middle of a war.” You argued, “This is hardly the time for romance.”

Falsworth tilted his head, looking back at Bucky, “Personally, I can think of no time better. The world needs a little romance in times like these.” He said as the honk of a truck horn distracted the pair from their discussion.

“Christmas mail call.” An officer yelled into the mess hall. “Get your asses out here if you want your gifts.” Almost all at once, the men swarmed the exit, excited to get anything from home. Even Falsworth joined the mob, leaving you to sip your drink alone.

You stood up and wandered to where Steve and Bucky had been sitting. You picked up a stray Christmas cracker and turned it over in your hand. You had grown used to not expecting gifts for Christmas, but you couldn’t deny feeling a little jealous at times like these. All the more reason to try to get home as soon as possible.

“You aren’t goin’ to see if you got anything Doll?” Bucky asked from behind you, making you visibly jump. He laughed. “Sorry, didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

You chuckled softly, “No, I don't have anything coming for Christmas.”

Bucky frowned, visibly confused. “What’d ya mean, you’ve got to be getting something. Your family hasn't sent you anything all month.” Your breath caught in your throat as you searched for words to say. “What? You didn’t think I would notice the fact that your name hasn't been called at mail call once?”

“I don’t get mail, Buck.” You said, but it only seemed to confuse him more.

“What, so your family’s just actin’ like ya don't exist or something?” he continued to interrogate, his Brooklyn accent growing thicker.

You sighed, he was clearly too drunk to consider subtly. “I don’t have any family.”

Realization and regret washed over Bucky’s face. He swore under his breath, “You’ve gotta have someone. Even Steve gets letters from my sister. What about the guy you got into this mess helping?”

Your heart twinged painfully at the thought of Clint. “He couldn’t send me letters if he tried. I don’t have anyone alive to get letters from.”

Bucky looked at you pitifully, swearing twice more. “Doll, I,” He shook his head, looking for words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

You held a hand up to try to stop his apologies. “It’s fine, you couldn’t have known. And I’m used to it now either way.” You pointed to the package in his hands. “What did you get?”

He looked down at the half-opened guilt, slightly embarrassed. “Just a fruit cake Rebecca made.” He said sitting down at the table, “Steve got one too.”

You snorted, “She must really hate you two then.”

“Hey!” He protested before breaking into a fit of laughter. “It might be payback for all the dolls I antagonized when we were kids.”

“Sounds like you deserve it then.” You smiled, sitting next to him, ignoring your racing heart. “Here.” You said, holding out one end of the cracker to him. “Pull.” he obliged and the cracker went off with a snap. A small wooden soldier in a painted blue coat fell out onto your lap. You giggled as you picked it up and inspected it. “Merry Christmas.” You said, handing the tiny soldier to Bucky.

He raised an eyebrow but took the small toy with a small smile. “It’s better than a fruitcake.” He said, turning it in his hand. “I'll give you that.”

“I couldn’t let your Christmas be that pitiful.” You teased.

He looked at you for a moment, face soft and kind. At that moment he wasn’t the Bucky that always put on a brave face. He was something more and less. He was Bucky, just Bucky, and you couldn’t help but wonder if you were the only one with the privilege to see him like this. “Thank you Doll.” his hand brushed your arm lightly enough to send a shiver down your spine.

You pulled away almost reflexively. “Where did that Santa hat go anyway?”

“I got Steve to wear it by promising to split the ten bucks,” he said, leaning against the table, one hand still fidgeting with the toy.

Sure enough, Steve came back into the mess hall wearing the beard and hat, holding a package not unlike Bucky’s, laughing with the other commandoes. You chuckled at the sight. Of course, it was Bucky that would manage to win the bet. Those two really would do anything for each other.

White Christmas began playing on the radio and Bucky grabbed your hand as he stood up. “Let’s dance.”

“What?” You asked, eyes wide as he pulled on your hand. You shook your head, “no, no no no. I can’t dance, I don't know how.” 

He rolled his eyes, “Then I’ll teach ya. Come on, just one dance.”

“There’s a dozen other girls here that are a better choice than me to dance with.”

“Not from where I’m lookin’,” He said, “Only dame I see ‘round here that I wanna dance with is you.”

You stared at him at a loss for words, standing up as a voice called into the mess hall. “Agent L/N, there's an urgent call for you from Col. Phillips.”

Bucky threw his head back in frustration, “You gotta be kiddin’ me. It’s Christmas!”

“Is Agent L/N here?” The man asked, paying no mind to Bucky’s protest.

You sighed, “Yes, I’m here, I’ll be with you in a moment.” You said. “What can I say? I haven’t had a day off in almost three years now.” You smiled at Bucky apologetically, “Looks like you’ll need to take a rain check on that dance.”

“I’ll hold you to that Doll,” He said.

You laughed, stepping away from him, “Whatever you say, Sarge.” You said before following the soldier out.

You were handed the phone Immediately as you entered the main office, “Hello-”

“L/N I want you on the first train to London yesterday.” Phillips interrupted, you frowned at the order. “A Russian ambassador is going to be here tomorrow and I trust that man about as far as I can throw him.”

Annoyance twinged at the back of your head. “Are you seriously pulling me back to babysit a fucking diplomat? The communists aren't our issue right now.” They could have the red scare after you got back home for all you cared.

“Agent, are you questioning a direct order?”

“Yes!” you snapped, “Not questioning orders is how genocide happens. Why don’t you get Agent Carter to do this?”

“She’s currently Stateside.” He said, “And we have reason to believe that this man may have some connection to hydra.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, hydra was found to be operating in small groups all across the USSR after the war, but the groups were so small they were barely even of historical note. “He’s Russian, why would a Russian be working for Hydra?”

“That’s your job to find out L/N. Get your ass on the next train.” Phillips finished, hanging up. You rubbed your face and groaned, a migraine threatening behind your eyes. Your thoughts wandered back to Bucky, it looked like he wasn’t getting that dance any time soon. You tried to convince yourself it was for the best, but in the back of your mind, you couldn’t help but feel disappointment. You took a deep breath and pushed the feeling as far back as it would go. You didn’t have time to be distracted by a silly crush. You had a train to catch.


	7. Chapter 6

Bucky looked over the small toy soldier as Stark’s seamstress made the final adjustments to his new uniform. He couldn’t deny the resemblance of the soldiers painted blue coat to the one that Stack had designed for him. He didn’t know how to feel as he fiddled with the toy. Howard Stark had brought a whole slew of fancy new gadgets and gizmos for them to use and familiarize themselves with, but Bucky had found himself distracted.

You had left for London a month ago, and Bucky would have been lying if he said it didn’t bother him. He honestly couldn’t believe just how much he missed you, despite only knowing you for a little over a month. When he heard that there was going to be a dozen people coming with Stark to the base, he had hoped that you would be among them. However, when the convoy came in, you were nowhere to be found. He tried not to let it bother him, but the fact that you hadn’t even said goodbye hurt. Peggy had explained that you were ordered to leave immediately, but that only served to soften the blow, rather than nullify it.

The seamstress handed him back his coat and he slipped it on. It was probably one of the nicest outfits he’d ever worn. God only knew how much Stark had spent to outfit the entire team. He looked at himself in the mirror, he looked good, and it fit him like a glove after all the work the seamstress put into it. “Thank you,” he said to her with a polite smile.

“Hey, Sweetheart didn’t know you were coming to visit.” Bucky heard Stark say in the other room. Bucky rolled his eyes, Stark may have been a genius, but he really didn’t seem to give a damn about being professional.

“For the last time Stark, I’m not fucking interested. Stop calling me sweetheart.” A familiar voice said coldly. Bucky damn near fell over himself rushing into the room, where you and Stark stood near a table of his inventions. “I wanted to see what you cooked up for the Commandos.” You said, picking up a small object and inspecting it.

A grin slipped onto Bucky’s face as he watched you fiddle with the gadget. His grin widened as he thought on your comment to Stark, how quick you were to shoot him down. You didn’t seem to notice as Bucky stepped behind you, looking over your shoulder at what looked like a coin. Some kind of tracker, he recalled, but that didn’t matter to him at the moment. “You don’t like bein’ called Sweetheart, Sugar?”

You jerked slightly and whipped around to see him, a flicker of amused pride flashed through him as you looked him up and down. “I thought you liked to call me Doll?”

He smirked, stepping a little closer, “I haven’t seen you in a month, I’m a little out of practice. You don’t like being called Sugar either?”

“I don’t know anyone who would call me sweet.” You said, looking him over once more.

“I can prove that wrong right now, Doll.”

You opened your mouth to speak but no sound came out as your face went bright pink. Bucky fought every urge he had not to kiss you right then and there. He was already being far more unprofessional than usual, especially after he was rolling his eyes at Stark for doing the same thing, and Dog knew he didn’t want you to end up blowing him off like Stark. You blinked, regaining your bearings, “I see you got your new uniform, it looks nice.” You changed the subject, picking a piece of fluff off his coat.

Bucky glanced at Stark, who had already turned his focus to his gadgets, clearly uninterested in the pair. Bucky really couldn't comprehend how Stark could be so disinterested in a woman he had been trying to flirt with not minutes before, especially one like you. “Stark really outdid himself. Did you come by for a new uniform too? Or did you finally miss us after being gone a month?”

You snorted, “And here I thought you had aired all your grievances about that in the letter you had sent me.” A smile pulled onto your lips as you spoke, making Bucky’s heart race.

“What can I say? You left without sayin’ goodbye. And my Ma made sure to teach me how to write a strongly worded letter.” He teased. Honestly, it took him a damn week to write that letter, he must have gone through half a tree trying to make it perfect for you. He just wanted to give you something to read at mail call, something to make you smile just how you were right now.

“You should have seen my surprise when Phillips tossed it on my desk. The mail carrier didn’t even know where to take it.” You giggled at the memory, “Although, if that was your mother’s definition of a strongly worded letter, I might have to explain to her what ‘Strongly Worded’ means.”

“Are you trying to tell me that my Ma taught me wrong?” God how he missed your back and forths. “It that’s the case, we might have a few problems.”

You shook your head with a smile, “Careful Sergeant. I might have to accuse you of being a momma’s boy. And, for the record, no I’m not here for a new uniform. Only you commandos get that. I wanted to see the new tech.”

Bucky furrowed his brow, “What do you mean ‘us commandos’? You’re a commando too.”

You shook your head, “I’m just an agent, specifically one assigned to babysitting Russian officials apparently.” You sighed, “Talk about a waste of time.”

Bucky crossed his arms, “You’re just as much a Commando as any of us.” He argued, “I promise you all of those idiots agree.”

You scoffed, “It’s not a call for you to make.”

“Then I’ll have Steve make it.”

“It isn’t his call either.” You said, fiddling slightly with the coin-shaped device still in your hand. “Phillips makes that decision. He might keep me with you boys, he might send me to Siberia. It depends on what he needs me to do and the likelihood of it helping us find a classified piece of hydra technology.”

Stark perked up. “Hydra tech like those batteries Rogers brought back from Austria? This is the first I’m hearing of it.”

You looked at Stark with suspicion. “And it’s all that either of you are going to hear of it.” You said, “It’s highly classified and neither of you are currently cleared for that information.” Bucky studied you for a moment, curious as all hell, but knowing you, you weren't going to say anything more as you turned away from him to continue to mess with the coin.

“It’s a tracker.” Bucky said, pointing at the coin, “You snap it in half and it sends its coordinates to a machine at headquarters so we can find whoever has it.”

You looked up at him in surprise, “You’re kidding. Are you all issued one?”

“All of the equipment is issued as needed.” Stark cut in, “Before each mission, so they aren't lugging around things they don’t need.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “It’s a fucking coin, it weighs nothing.”

“Or lose valuable technology paying for lunch.” He snarked back, clearly annoyed by your hostility.

“They aren’t stupid.” You argued, “If you were really worried about it, why make it look like a damn quarter.”

“I thought you were a spy?” Stark shot back.

“They aren’t.” You said, pointing to Bucky for emphasis. Bucky chuckled quietly, scratching the bridge of his nose. You hadn’t been back a day and you were already arguing with a damn genius on how to design his tech.

Stark rolled his eyes, “They are going deep into enemy lines, they need a level of stealth.”

“Right,” You said and pointed at the device Stark was tinkering with. “Because so many men are walking around with grappling hooks that look like hair dryers. Have you ever used a hairdryer Sergeant Barnes?”

“Can’t say that I have,” Bucky answered.

Stark scowled, “Sweetheart-”

“Call me that one more time and see what happens.” You growled, “I’m not afraid to punch a millionaire.”

Stark scoffed, completely indifferent to your threat, “It’s a work in progress.” he defended. “But you of all people should understand the need for disguise.”

“I still say these coins should be with the commandos at all times.” You said, holding the coin up. “You never what could happen. Put it in their dog tags if you have to.”

Stark pinched the bridge of his nose, “I’ll see what I can do.” He conceded. Bucky raised his eyebrows, impressed at your success. You smiled back at him smugly.

“We’re already fighting one war Doll.” Bucky whispered to you, his lips brushing your ear, “If you push Stark any further you might end up fighting two.”

You snorted, “It would be a war I would win.” Bucky smiled, of course you would, you didn’t know when to quit until you did. “It’s important. You guys are in a unique situation, we can't take chances. If we do, people die, and I’m not ready to have my friends’ deaths on my concience” 

You looked up at him, somber-faced, and his smile fell, “You don’t need to worry about us Doll.” He said though he couldn’t say he blamed you. Not when the idea of you going out on missions alone terrified him as much as it did. He knew you were capable, just like the other Commandos were, but you both understood exactly how dangerous this work was. Something he wasn’t sure the others really quite got, especially Steve.

You shrugged and he noticed you quietly pocket the coin. “So, you wanna reunite me with the rest of you dummies?” you asked, forcing a smile. “From what I understand I’m gonna be sticking with you boys for a while longer.”

His lips curled into a small smirk. “Doll, it would be my pleasure.”


	8. Chapter 7

Not two weeks later the Commandos found themselves in the heart of war-torn Italy. Phillips had decided to have them continue where the 107th left off, landing them smack dab in the center of the Resia Pass. The men surrounded the hood of the Jeep, looking over the map spread across it. It was the moment of truth, the men’s first mission together. You sat on top of one of the front seats as you curiously looked over the map with them.

“Flyovers have shown that this base isn’t as big as the one in Austria, but we still need to be ready for anything,” Steve said, putting a flyover picture on top of the map. It wasn’t large at all, only two buildings, one of which looked like it used to be a barn. No doubt it wasn’t one of Hydra’s most important bases, meaning your chances of finding the bell were slim to none. “Jacques, Gabe, Y/N, you three work on planting the explosives. The rest of us, we need to search the facility for any prisoners and get them out before we take the buildings down.”

“Aye Aye, Captain.” You said, fighting the urge to laugh at your joke, it wasn’t like anyone else would get it. “We splitting up?”

Jones nodded, “It would be more efficient, we have the go-ahead Cap?”

Steve looked over the three of you carefully, “If you think you can handle it.”

Dernier scoffed, “If we can handle it?” He said in french. “Of course we can.”

“I’d be more concerned if Steve or Bucky were on the job, honestly.” You smirked, responding in broken french. Dernier rolled his eyes, he had long since given up on trying to convince you to just speak English to him. No matter how much your sad excuse for french frustrated him, you never listened.

“You know, it’s rude to talk about people, Doll,” Bucky said with an eyebrow raised and the side of his lip turning upward. It had taken him absolutely no time at all to get back into his flirting habit, you really had no idea whether to be happy or concerned. Especially when it was so damn easy to flirt right back. Sooner or later, you were going to get back to your time, only to realize Bucky had ruined men for you completely.

“Since when have I cared about being polite?” You said grin widening as you looked into his steel-blue eyes. He made you smile far too damn easily. Even the letter, carefully folded in your breast pocket, written out in a messy left-handed scrawl, was able to make you smile weeks after you had gotten it. The power he held over your mood was ridiculous, and he didn’t even seem to realize he had it. “Besides, I need the practice.”

“You need a miracle.” Dernier snarked in french, and Jones gave a snort of laughter.

“Can we focus on the mission?” Steve chided, looking up from the map. “You two can flirt on your own time.” Your face flushed and Bucky bit his lip, looking down at the map with a nod. “Rendezvous will be on the side of the smaller building here, let’s try to make this quick, half an hour tops. We don’t want to give them time for reinforcements. Clear?”

The group nodded and grunted their understanding as you jumped out of the Jeep. You grabbed your equipment from the back seat as you went over your own mission in your head. Planting the explosives was of secondary priority to you, the first priority was to find any documentation that could lead you to the bell. It had been two months since there was even a lick of progress had been made on finding it, and you’d be damned if you were going to let it get blown up.

The men took note of their gear, grabbing their guns and ammunition from the back of the truck before marching out to the forest line a few hundred meters away. They hid behind the trees as the watched the base. Guard towers sat at each corner, each one housing two armed guards. The wire fencing wasn’t electrified and would have been easy enough to cut through had it not been for the risk of being shot.

“Buck,” Steve whisper-yelled to him, “Do you think you can take out that guard tower closest to us?”

Bucky looked down his scope at the tower, “Not without the other one calling an alarm.” he said, searching for another potential opening.

You unslung the rifle from your shoulder, looking down the scope at the guard tower. It was about 700 meters away, you had seen Bucky shoot accurately twice that distance in training, but he was right, too far between shots and the other guard would alert the entire base. “I’ll get the right and you get the left.” You said, setting your sights on the rightmost guard.

Bucky looked at you as if considering if he should argue or not before thinking better of it and raising his rifle. “Alright, Doll.” He said as he found his target. “On my mark.”

“Whatever you say, Sarge.” You smiled slyly as your finger found the trigger.

“Ready.” You took a deep breath and held it, focusing on your target. “Aim.” You exhaled slightly, steadying your rifle. “Fire.” The shots went off simultaneously with one loud bang and, in the next instant, both guards dropped dead. Bucky scoffed, clearly impressed by your marksmanship, “Didn’t know you could shoot like that.”

“What can I say, I learned from the best.” You boasted, Clint would have been proud. You really had been taught by the best in your eyes. Clint taught you everything you knew about being a shield agent, without what his training, you weren’t sure if you would have gotten as far as you had trying to get back home. “What’s your next call, Rogers?”

Steve took a breath, considering the options for a moment, “Morita-”

“All ready on it,” Morita said, pulling wire cutters from his bag. It was amazing just how well the Commandos worked as a team, if you didn’t know any better you would think they had been fighting together the entire war. “Come help me Dum Dum.” Dum Dum grunted in agreement as the pair snuck their way across the clearing to the fence. The rest of the team watch patiently as the duo made quick work of the fence, cutting a large hole into it. When they were done, the pair waved the team over and the rest of the commandos rushed to join them. 

“Jones, Dernier, L/N, go start on arming those explosives,” Steve ordered in a hushed tone as they cleared the fence. 

“Wait!” Bucky hissed, eyeing the three of you but letting his gaze linger on you. “Are you sure splitting up is a good idea? This place is teeming with guards, what if one of you gets caught.”

You frowned, with the way he was looking at you, it almost seemed like he was more concerned about you, specifically, getting caught than anything. “We know what we’re doing Barnes.” You said coolly, “This is the quickest way to get all the explosives set up in a timely manner unless you want to be here longer than half an hour.”

“It’s also the quickest way to get captured,” he argued back. “At least if you have someone-”

“Bucky,” Steve whispered sharply. “You’ve always been a worrywart but now really isn’t the time. We need to be quick about this. Split up you three, meet us at the rendezvous in thirty.”

“Steve-” Bucky continued to try to argue.

“Captain’s orders.” Steve retorted, earning a glare from his friend. “Go.”

You didn’t need to be told twice, sliding past Bucky and into the nearest building. You stuck to the shadows as the men started their work outside. Hordes of Nazi soldiers ran past you, easily missing you as they focused on the growing chaos. You slipped from room to room as you searched for an office or administrative room of some sort, planting explosives along the way.

You were deep in the building, swearing to yourself, you had no idea how much time you had wasted in your search. The men were likely expecting you at the rendezvous any moment now. You were close to giving up when you kicked open yet another door. The man inside the room, frantically shoving papers in a leather briefcase swiftly turned around, pulling a gun on you in the process.

You stopped, stony-faced looked down the barrel of a german pistol. The once frantic man grew confident as he assessed you. You wanted to punch the slimy leer off his disgustingly smug face as he took a few steps closer, he was horrifically underestimating you. “Who are you?” He demanded in german.

“A secretary, Herr Kommandant.” You lied, matching his language. Your german was leagues better than your french, but he was clearly unconvinced.

He narrowed his eyes. “A secretary kicking down doors and carrying guns? How stupid do you think I am?”

Extremely, you thought as your hand slowly wrapped around the pistol behind your back.


	9. Chapter 8

“I know you worry about her, Buck,” Steve said as they approached the rendezvous location. “But you know she can handle this.”As small as the facility was, they had only found about a dozen POWs, all of whom were currently being escorted out of the base by Dum Dum. In the thirty minutes that had elapsed, the Commandos had managed to throw the base into complete chaos and disarray. Many of the enemy soldiers had escaped, running towards the nearest village in search of reinforcements. Now it was just time to blow the joint up.

Bucky scowled. It wasn’t that he didn’t think you could. You were amazing, he was pretty sure you could do anything fueled by spite alone. Your capability wasn't the issue, it was the simple fact of the thousands of ‘what if’s’ running through his head and driving him mad. What if you got shot? What if you got captured? What if you were subjected to the same things he was? What if- 

He growled, rubbing his face with his hands. He was going to go insane at this rate. “Any one of us could get killed on our own Steve. They’ve- She’s been drilling that into our heads for two months. And you know she’s as much of a Commando as any of us.” Bucky shook his head looking for words as he grabbed onto his rifle strap for some semblance of comfort. “She’s the last one that I ever want to see end up dead Steve. It would haunt me.”

“Buck.” Steve sighed, exasperated at Bucky, as they joined up with the other commandos. With the obvious exception of Dum Dum, only one person was missing from the group. A lump formed in Bucky’s throat as he struggled to process your absence. 

“Where is she?” He asked, only to be answered with uncertain shrugs and shaking heads from all of the men.

“Jacques went into the same building, but he didn’t see her.” Jones said, “We thought she might have gotten out early.” Terror coursed through Bucky’s body like electricity as he ran towards the building without so much as a second thought, ignoring Steve’s shouting telling him to stop.

He had a gut feeling the moment he stepped through that fence that something would go wrong, and now something clearly had. He ran through the facility as fast as his legs would carry him, looking for any sign of where you might be. His heart crashed into the floor when he heard the two gunshots come from the floor above him. In moments Bucky had flown up the nearest set of stairs, and down the hall, yelling your name until his throat hurt. He was gasping for breath when he found himself in front of a kicked open door, where he was positive the shots originated from.

Seemingly, he was right. In front of the door was a man’s body, sprawled backward, gun still in hand, with two bullet holes placed expertly in his head, blood still leaking from the wounds. You stood at the desk in the center of the room, rifling through papers, completely unaware of Bucky’s presence. Bucky looked back down at the body, clearly, the gunshots were your doing. He would have been impressed had it not been for the absolute horror of the situation, the very fact that you had killed not only that man, but the guard in the guard tower made him sick. He didn’t want you to have that kind of blood on your hands. He didn’t even want it on his own hands.

He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, it was too late to worry about something like that. “What the hell are you doing here?” He asked, taking a few steps inside the room. You jumped with a gasp as you turned to see him, your pistol in hand. He honestly wasn’t sure if he could believe it, you were completely fine. Not a single scratch on you, Bucky wanted to thank every god he could name. But none of that served to answer any questions that arose.

“Jesus Christ Bucky.” You sighed, lowering your gun. “I thought you were one of Nazi Mcgee’s friends! I could have shot you.”

Bucky glanced down at the body, now at his feet, “Nazi Mcgee?” 

You shook your head, turning back to the desk, shoving papers into a leather briefcase, “It’s an inside joke. Don’t worry about it.”

Bucky blinked, still somewhat confused, before regaining his sense, “What the hell are you even doing Y/N? You were supposed to be at the rendezvous five minutes ago.”

“Procuring any documentation that would benefit the war effort and lead us to a firmer understanding of Hydra technology.” You said as you closed the briefcase, “A.K.A. My job.”

Bucky furrowed his brow as you walked towards him. "Your job? Your job was to plant explosives. Steve didn't tell you-" 

"Which I did." You countered. "And these are Phillips' orders. Not Steves. Come on, I didn't mean to take so long." You finished walking past him and out the door.

Bucky looked at you, jaw dropped for a moment as frustration filled him to his core. "You didn't think to tell us?" He interrogated as he followed close behind you. All of this nonsense could have been avoided had you just let them know. Hell, they could have helped even.

"I didn't realize you were uninformed." You said, stopping in your tracks to look at him confusion clear on your face. "I'm not at liberty to speak about the missions Phillips gives me outside of helping the Commandos, but I was under the impression that at the very least Steve had been told."

"No, I wasn't," Steve said, arms crossed. He seemed just about as unhappy as Bucky was at the moment. "But I will be glad to hear all about it when we get back to camp." Steve nodded to Bucky standing behind you. "Are you both good to go?"

Bucky nodded and you grunted in agreement, lips pressed in a tight line. "Don't worry Cap. I will make sure that Phillips keeps you informed of my orders in the future."

Bucky studied you, then sighed. He was just happy you were safe. As skilled as he knew you were, this was still the first time he had ever seen you in action, and the idea of you getting hurt on his watch mortified him. As hard as it was for him to accept, even through all of your denials, you were just as much as a soldier as they were, and he needed to remember that. As much as he loved your courage and willingness to fight, he ever-increasingly wished you didn't have to. "Come on, let's get out of here." He said finally after a few beats passed.

"You're right, we need to head out." Steve agreed. The three of you reunited with the rest of the Commandos quickly, allowing Steve to finally give the go-ahead to take the facility down. The men cheered and clapped as the explosives detonated, consuming both buildings in massive balls of fire.

Bucky smiled and clapped with them, the stress of temporarily losing you finally fading as he allowed himself to celebrate a successful mission. His smile fell slightly when he saw you, briefcase in hand, straight-faced and unmoving as you watched the first consume the buildings. “Not enjoying the fireworks?” He asked stepping towards you tentatively.

You shrugged, “It’s not nearly enough after what I’ve seen, what I know even.” You said, eyes locked on the fire. “Though I’m also not exactly happy about Phillips keeping you all in the dark as to what my exact orders are. Rest assured, that will not be the case moving forward.” Bucky looked at you with an eyebrow raised, he had never seen you this angry. Not even when you had first met had you been this upset. He almost felt bad for Colonel Phillips, anyone who knew you for a day would know the hell you could raise, and he was going to be on the receiving end of it. Hopefully, he wouldn’t fire you on the spot. 

Bucky nodded, wrapping an arm around your shoulder like he would with Steve before the war. “Come on, let’s get back to camp and rest up a bit before you decide to ruin the Colonel’s day.” He laughed to himself as he pulled you toward the Jeep. He always did have a soft spot for the fiesty ones.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I'm sorry this took so long to write. jesus I didn't even realize it had almost been two weeks

You tapped the end of your pen on your desk as you went over your notes. It had taken a month of arguing with Phillips to gain the commandos their security clearance on the bell, as well as a number of other Hydra technologies that had been uncovered during you and Peggy's missions. And now, it was your job to debrief them all on the intel gathered so far. You gave a long drawn out breath, it definitely wasn't much.

"Letter for Agent L/N," Peggy said was a sly smirk as she dropper the letter onto your desk. "You getting mail is a new development." You glanced at her briefly before inspecting the letter, your name was written on the front in a now-familiar messy cursive. "From one Sergeant Barnes as well. Can't say I've heard of letters being sent to people in the same camp before.

You gave Peggy a warning look at her observation. “He, apparently, doesn’t like the idea that I don’t get mail.” You said, trying to play it off as nothing the best you could, but your face was burning as Peggy scrutinized you. “He just doesn’t want me to feel left out is all.”

“Yes.” She said with an eyebrow raised, “I’m sure that’s the reason.” You studied the envelope, squirming slightly under her scrutiny. Your heart fluttered as your eyes traced the letters of his name in the corner. Peggy was right, sending letters to someone in the same camp was unusual. He easily could have just delivered it himself. “Well?” She asked, “What does it say?.” You glanced up at her before opening the letter and reading it aloud.

Y/N,

I sincerely hope you’re sleeping better than I am tonight. I’ve been tossing and turning all night, seems sleep just isn’t in the cards for me. The worst thing is, I can’t even blame it on Steve anymore. Used to keep me up all night with his snoring, now he's so damn quiet I sometimes wonder if he’s dead. Guess the serum really did a number on him huh? At least he sleeps better than he used to.

Steve told me about that fight you ended up having with Colonel Phillips, said you put up a real fuss and got a month’s worth of extra work out of the deal. It’s a bit overkill if you ask me, but hopefully, all that work won’t make it impossible to come and say hi to your fellow Howlies.

You know, you keep saying you aren't a soldier or a commando, but that sure as hell doesn’t seem to stop Phillips from punishing you like one. Either way, not many people are brave enough to tell off their CO like you seem to love doing. You really are something else, you know that right?

I should probably get back to trying to sleep, as much as I don’t want to. But you know what that's like, don’t you. I really wish you didn’t, but there's nothing I can really do about it is there. You deserve the world, not to be reminded of the horrors in it every time you close your eyes. I truly hope you are managing to sleep better than you did in January. If you ever need someone to talk to when you can’t sleep, you can always come to me. You probably wouldn’t even need to wake me up. I’ll always be happy to entertain you. Goodnight doll.

Yours,

Bucky

Your heart ached as you looked up from the letter. “Clearly no one told him my mail privileges were restricted as well.”

“Either that or he fancies you too much to care,” Peggy said, plucking the letter from your hands to read for herself.

You flushed at the thought, “It’s not like that, it’s just that he-”

“Quite clearly fancies you, yes.” Peggy finished for you, “The question is, what exactly are you planning to do about it?”

“Nothing.” You said quickly, standing up from your chair and snatching the letter back. “There’s nothing to do anything about.” You carefully folded the letter and tucked it into your breast pocket. “Even if we did ‘fancy’ each other, you know damn well I can’t do anything about it.”

Peggy rolled her eyes, “You’re being ridiculous. Anyone with eyes can see the way the two of you dance around each other. Why do you think Phillips restricted your mail privileges? He isn’t stupid, as much as you like to claim that he is.” She crossed her arms and watched you begin to pace. “If you keep playing with him like this, you both are going to get hurt.”

You rubbed your face with your hands, “I’m not- I don’t- Peggy you know it can’t work out. This is all fun now but once we find the bell-”

“We have no idea if the bell is actually even capable of bringing you back.”

“Don’t” You warned. It had been a possibility you considered only briefly. You couldn’t let yourself humor the idea that there might be no going back. “Do. Not. I have worked too hard for the past three years trying to get home. Do not say it might be impossible!” Tears welled in your eyes as panic threatened in the core of your stomach. You swallowed repeatedly as you struggled to control your breathing. “I have family waiting for me, friends, people I love who will think I’m dead. I can’t…” Your voice cracked as it trailed off.

Peggy’s face softened at your distress. “Y/N.” She sighed as she grabbed hold of you. “I know it isn’t a pleasant thought but you need to consider the possibility. We have no idea how this machine even works. You shouldn’t throw away your happiness if there's a chance it would be for nothing."

"It's going to work. It has to, and when it does-" You shook your head, "I can't do that to him. I'm not going to just let him fall in love with me and then abandon him that's cruel. He deserves better than that." You sat back down, hunched over, head in your hands as you tried to make sense of your thoughts. He was one of the best people you had ever met. Kind and understanding, funny, enjoyable to be around. He deserved the world.

"You both deserve to be happy." She said looking down at your slumped over form. "We're in the middle of a war. You shouldn't hesitate to act on something. What if something happens and one of you is stuck with regrets and what-ifs." Your heart dropped, that was right, he was supposed to die. You had pushed that horrible fact so far back into the back of your mind you had almost forgotten it completely. The pain of the thought made something snap in you.

"Oh, so you're going to follow that advice with Steve then? Last I checked neither of you were invincible." You snarled looking up at her with a glare.

She stiffened, "I have no idea what you are talking about."

You scoffed, leaning back in your seat. "You are a shockingly bad liar. There's clearly mutual attraction, so why don't you follow your own advice then?"

"Barnes isn't your superior officer." She defended.

You raised an eyebrow. "What about regrets and danger?" You knew you were being harsh, but you couldn't stop yourself. Fear and anger fueling your actions. "Surely a superior officer is just as complicated as my issue right?"

Peggy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Okay. Fine. Don't do anything about it. But my point still stands. You're a bloody fool if you let him slip away."

You rolled your eyes and began collecting your notes, "I've been called worse than that in my life." You grumbled, standing up. "Now if you don't mind me, I have a debriefing I need to go to." You finished, storming from the room.

The debriefing actually wasn't for a few more minutes yet when stomped into the currently empty planning room. Peggy, wisely, didn't follow you, instead, choosing to allow you to sort your emotions out alone. You took several deep breaths as you pinned papers and pictures to a corkboard. You couldn't even say you were angry at Peggy, she just wanted what she thought was best for her friends. Really, you were angry at the situation yourself. Also at the fact, people really seemed to enjoy sticking their noses into your business but that was neither here nor there.

You hated the fact that, had the situation been any different, you probably would have asked him out by now. You hated the fact that he was going to die if you couldn't find a way to stop it. You really hated just how easy it was to like the man far, far more than you actually should. But most of all, you hated that Peggy was right, she was always goddamn right. If you weren't careful, someone was going to end up hurt, and you most definitely were not being careful. 

The simple fact of the matter was you and Bucky couldn't be together. Not when your entire goal was to leave. A pang of guilt hit you as you pinned up a stolen picture of the bell. Was it really right for you to be flirting with him like you were? Your heart panged with something more than guilt this time. Peggy was right again, of course, you really didn't want it to be just flirting. The pain you felt at the thought of it ending made that tragically clear. It also made it clear that it had to end.

"Getting everything ready for us doll?" The familiar voice behind you sent a whirlwind through your stomach. You turned top see Bucky leaning against a table with his cocky smile as Steve took a seat next to him. 

You looked to him and then to Steve. It was still a few more minutes before the rest of the team and Phillips would arrive, the pair always preferred to be early. "I need to if I'm going to be getting everyone up to speed, Sergeant Barnes." You said in the most professional voice you could muster, fighting the urge to tease him. It would be better if you stopped.

Steve furrowed his brow and Bucky's smile faltered, "You alright doll?"

You turned back to pinning notes and photos onto the board. "I'm fine, thank you for asking, if you don't mind, I need to finish preparing for the debriefing."

"Y/N," Steve spoke up, concern clear in his voice. "If you add anything else to that board you're not going to be able to see the first layer." You paused and assessed your work. At some point, you had managed to pin up what appeared to be the entire 80-page file on the bell. You scrunched your nose and scratched the back of your head as looked over the board. 

"Are you," Buck said slowly, "sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." You said as you began taking down the excess pages. Bucky started to protest as the rest of the Commandos clamored into the room, Phillips, Stark, and Peggy following them close behind.

"Let's get this show on the road, L/N," Phillips announced, standing at the front of the room. "As Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes have already been informed, Agent Carter and Agent L/N have been, over the past three years, pursuing several highly dangerous hydra projects."

"Like the serum." Steve offered, arms crossed leaning back in his chair.

Phillips nodded, "the serum was one of the projects that Agent Carter succeeded in helping us obtain." Peggy's lips pulled upward into a proud smile. "This is the reason why Agent L/N joined you on your first mission. Her primary goal, on all missions she is assigned to, is to find and obtain all information pertaining to a specific piece of hydra technology known as 'Die Glocke' or 'The Bell'. She will assist you on any mission she is assigned to join you on, but her primary focus and orders will remain the same. Any questions?"

"I don't get it," Morita said face scrunched up in confusion. "What the hell does this bell even do that makes it so important?"

Phillips gave you a look and stepped to the side, allowing you to have center stage. “We believe, based on documents recovered so far, that the bell’s primary function is to see into the future, like a window.”

“You think they’re building a time machine,” Steve said, clearly unconvinced at the idea. You fought the urge to laugh.

“The documentation specifies it’s intended use to only see into the future, not travel through it.” You said glancing at Peggy who gave you a warning look. “Currently, we have no proof of it actually being capable of time travel.” No evidence except you sitting there right now, but you didn’t press the issue. “From our understanding, it requires an obscene amount of energy to even stabilize itself. In all likelihood, hydra plans on using batteries like the ones Captian Rogers recovered to power it. Suffice to say, allowing hydra the chance to develop something that can see into the future is highly dangerous.

“I’ve been working on locating it for years, but our biggest breakthroughs have been recent. Specifically, when Captian Rogers took out the base in Austria and, most recently, with the files I was able to obtain in the Italian base.” You pointed to the map on the board. “My word originally led me to France, but it turned out to be a dead-end at the time. Fortunately, it seems that lead wasn’t nearly as dead as it seemed at the time. The files I recovered confirmed the bell being in the french base at some point. Unfortunately, the chances of it still being there are slim.”

“This is sounding an awful lot like a wild goose chase,” Stark commented, feet propped up on the table in front of him and his hands behind his head. You rolled your eyes, you really wished you could just punch him. “How do we know it actually exists and isn't something they just made up to distract us?

“I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.” You argued. “That’s why I’m assigned to this mission in the first place.”

“Oh yeah?” Stark challenged, “When?”

You glared at him, annoyance coursing red hot through your veins, “Three years ago in London during an air raid. Before I joined the SSR I was sneaking around in places I largely shouldn’t have been and stumbled on it. Now is that all of the inane questions from the peanut gallery?” Stark smirked at your frustration but didn’t respond. God, you hated that smug bastard.

“As I was saying,” You continued. “There should still be a lot of intel left at the French base. Including, hopefully, information on its current location.”

“Which is why the Colonel is having us work our way up to France,” Steve said, piecing the bits of information together with ease.

“Precisely,” Phillips said. “We will decide the best course of action after that mission. As far as I’m concerned it is in our best interest to follow this trail until Agent L/N finds the information she needs to locate and destroy the bell. After that point, you boys will continue to take down the hydra bases without her interference.”

All of the Commandos shifted slightly, clearly unsure of what to make of your joining them on missions being called ‘interference’. It was Bucky that broke the uncomfortable silence. “With all due respect sir, Agent L/N is an invaluable part of the Commandos.” The rest of the men nodded and grunted their agreement, but Phillips remained stoic.

“I know precisely how valuable Agent L/N is,” Phillips said. “Which is exactly why I can and will assign her to missions as I see fit.” He looked at Steve, face stern. “If your team can’t function without a single agent, we have bigger problems on our hands.”

Steve’s face was stony as he responded. “That won’t be an issue Colonel.” He said, his voice betraying his displeasure. You couldn’t say you were surprised. There was a reason why you and Peggy were able to get away with so much. They would have had better luck convincing Phillips to get them a bear as a team mascot. Good agents were rare, good agents that soldiers were readily willing to underestimate were even rarer, and an extremely valuable tool.

“I’m glad we could come to that understanding,” Phillips said, finally breaking eye contact with Steve. “If there are no further questions, you all are dismissed.” He said, turning his focus towards the board.

You collected your things as the men filed out of the room, only Bucky remained behind. “Are you sure you’re okay Doll?” He whispered low enough that only you could hear. Leaning over the table, he was so close you could hear the slight jingle of his dog tags beneath his uniform as he shifted his weight.

You took a deep breath, your heart really couldn’t take much more of this, if he got any closer you were convinced it would simply explode. “What makes you so sure something is wrong Sarge...ent.” You tacked the last syllable on awkwardly, not flirting with him was actually going to be a challenge.

He turned his head to look behind him before looking back at you. “Because I have never seen you go this long without smiling.”

You frowned slightly, trying to fight off the desire to smile at just the sound of his voice. “I don’t have anything currently to smile about.”

He considered your answer for a moment, bobbing his head slightly. “And,” He added, “You’re calling me Sergeant Barnes, which you only do when I’ve done something to piss you off.”

You opened your mouth to speak when Phillips interrupted. “Agent L/N, come here for a moment and explain this document you have here.”

You glanced at Phillips out of the corner of your eye, for once you were thankful for the Colonel’s demanding nature. “If you’ll excuse me.” You said to Bucky before escaping to Phillips’ side to discuss whatever had caught his attention, leaving Bucky standing at a loss, with none of his questions truly answered.


	11. Chapter 10

Sticks snapped under Bucky's boots as he walked through the forest, distracted. He was supposed to be on patrol alongside Falsworth, who was currently the only one of the pair actually doing their job. Bucky was far too focused on the last few weeks to really be of any use.

You had been acting strangely, distantly even, but only around Bucky, or more specifically, only to Bucky. You refused to call him by any of the nicknames you had for him. Trying to get you to even stay in the same room as him seemed impossible. Bucky rubbed his face, frustration setting in. Asking you was met with the same few denials and excuses. Had it not been for the subject matter, he would have found your horrible attempts at lying to be hilarious coming from a trained spy. 

"Had I known you were going to spend the entire patrol pining, I would have requested Jaques to come with me instead," Falsworth said pulling Bucky out of his stupor. 

"'M not pining Monty." He grunted stubbornly, this hadn't been the first time Falsworth had accused him of pining, but it was largely a topic he didn't want to think about. It was no secret that he had a thing for you, but he didn't want to admit it was anything more than that when you were suddenly acting like you hated him. The last thing he wanted to do was make you hate him more. 

"Right, which is exactly why you've been staring into space for an hour." Falsworth countered and Bucky shot him a look. Bucky honestly didn't mind Falsworth most of the time, but God he was more of a busy body than Bucky's sister. 

Bucky sighed, rolling his eyes. "You knew her from before the Commandos, didn't you? Why do you think she's acting like this?"

Falsworth shrugged, "She sacrificed her mission to help me survive a Russian winter after my plane was shot down." He explained to Bucky, stopping to state at him. "We were forced to get comfortable with each other's company out of necessity. I would hardly call that 'knowing her'." He patted Bucky on the back. "Out of all of us, I would say you know her best. Well, you and Agent Carter."

Bucky stopped in his tracks as a lightning bolt of an idea struck him. He hadn't even considered asking Peggy. God, he felt like an idiot, no doubt Peggy would know why you were acting the way you were. "You're a damn genius, Monty." He beamed before sprinting off towards camp, ignoring Falsworth as he yelled obscenities at Bucky as he left Falsworth behind.

It didn't take long for Bucky to return to the camp, and it took even less time to find Peggy working away in the command tent. Peggy looked up at him as he approached, "If you're looking for Y/N, then you just missed her. She left about ten minutes ago " Bucky frowned, he wasn't surprised, just missing you had become something of a theme the past few weeks, as much as he hated it.

"I was looking for you, actually." He said, and Peggy raised an eyebrow. "To talk about Y/N." He admitted, scratching the back of his head. The last thing he needed was for Peggy to think he was trying to flirt with her again.

Peggy's gaze softened slightly, "I'm not one for gossip Sergeant Barnes, Surely you could ask her what ever it is that you wish to know?"

Bucky sighed, "That's the first thing I tried ma'am." He said, taking a step closer to her desk. "Hell almost all of us have, but she just denies everything." God, he wouldn't even be asking for Peggy's help if just asking you was working in any form. He carded his hand through his hair, "I just wanted to know if she told you if I did anything to upset her."

Peggy furrowed her brow, all work now forgotten. “What on earth are you talking about?” She questioned, although, with her tone, it was more like she was politely calling him an idiot. “Why on earth would you think she’s upset with you, of all things?”

“Because she barely even looks at me?” Bucky answered with a shrug. Did Peggy really not know? Of all people, Peggy was the one you spent the most time with. If Peggy didn't know, then who even would? “She… hasn’t said anything?”

Peggy shook her head, “When did this all start?” Concern painted her features clearly finding this to be much more of an issue than Bucky was expecting her to.

“Since the meeting, we had on the bell she’s been looking for.” He explained, and understanding and realization seemed to bloom on Peggy’s face. “The moment I walked in it was ‘Sergeant Barnes’ this and “Sergeant Barnes’ that, and she only does that when I annoy her or upset her somehow, but I… just don’t know what I could have possibly done.” He just wanted things to go back to normal for christ's sake. He would give you the world if it just meant you would call him Bucky again.

“You didn’t do anything,” Peggy said, pity and Frustration mixing in her voice. “I did.”

Bucky looked at her like she was nuts, “I’m not sure I’m followin’ you.” What could have Peggy possibly said that would make you hate him? Did she mention his flirting with her when they first met? But then, he wasn't exactly secretive about his tendency towards flirting with women, although he was pretty sure you didn't actually believe it.

"The idiot is trying to either prove me right or prove me wrong." She said with a sigh, standing up. "I'll talk some bloody sense into her." She stormed out of the tent before Bucky even had a chance to ask what she meant. Leaving him more confused and frustrated than before.

Sleep didn't come easily to Bucky that night, tossing and turning in his sleeping bag. He had somehow gotten even more restless over the last few weeks, but even then it wasn't exactly like he slept well to begin with. He groaned and sat up, it was pointless to keep trying to sleep. He crawled out of his tent with a yawn, hoping a walk would be enough to clear his head.

He didn't hear from you or Peggy after she stormed out of the Command tent, which he wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing all things considered. That also meant all of his questions had gone unanswered, however. He honestly wasn't sure what to make of any of it at all. Peggy had acted like you being angry at him was unimaginable. He took a deep breath, he was supposed to be clearing his thoughts, not jumbling them more. The only thing this whole ordeal had made him realize just how badly he had it for you.

He stopped when he saw a figure sitting in front of the dying fire in the center of camp. He was instantly brought back to another sleepless night five months ago now. You had looked so beautiful in the firelight, surrounded by falling snow. The sight of you that night had made that entire weekend of hiking and camping worth it. Even having you in his arms felt so right that he didn't even realize you were there until he saw your eyes looking up at him in surprise. He wanted to kiss you right then and there. It wasn't until you said something that he snapped out of your spell, and let you go. He still wanted to kiss you.

You were still beautiful in the firelight. You stared up at the sky, mouth agape as you counted the stars. He considered leaving you there, letting you be to enjoy your stargazing. He swallowed, steeling his nerves, and took a step forward. "The stars are beautiful tonight." He said awkwardly. He didn't even look at the stars to actually know the sky could have been completely overcast for all he knew, but he had to say something. 

You yelped in surprise, turning to see him, "Jesus Christ Barnes, warn a girl before you sneak up on her next time." You said, a hand on your chest trying to steady your heart. Bucky smiled inwardly at your reaction, like a child vexing a crush. 

His courage slowly took hold of him as he stood in front of you. "Didn't expect you out here to warn you." He said softly. "Can't sleep?"

You scoffed, "Are you kidding me? Peggy just got done chewing me out." You said as he stepped closer. "You really had to rat me out didn't you Sarge." You sounded tired, but god did Bucky's heart leap at the nickname.

"You've been avoiding me for weeks Doll." He said as he sat down next to you. "I thought I did something to make you hate me." 

You sighed and looked back up at the sky. "Leo is out tonight." You said pointing upwards. Bucky followed your hand as you traced out the pattern in the stars. He always liked stargazing when he was a kid.

He looked at you, wondering if you just intended to avoid the subject completely. Really, he just wanted to know why. Why would you suddenly just start avoiding him? Why were you calling him Sarge again? Just, why? He decided not to push the issue, instead, deciding to savor the fact you were sitting next to him at all. He looked back at the sky, tracing out a pattern, "Hercules is over there."

“I’m not going to be here when the war is over.” You said unprompted. Bucky didn’t look away from the stars as he tried to process what you had just said. Were, were you planning on dying or something?

“If you think I’m not going to move heaven and hell to get you out of this war alive, Doll, then I-”

“That’s not what I mean, Bucky.” You interrupted. You were silent for a few beats before you spoke again. “When the war is over, I’m being reassigned. I’m not going home.” Oh. “After all this,” You gestured to the camp with your hand. “I’m going to be reassigned somewhere far away. Probably Russia if the current political climate says anything.”

“Is, Is that what you want?” He asked looking over to you. He watched you carefully, unsure of what else to do or say. For the first time in weeks, things were starting to make sense to him, and it hurt. No part of him liked where this was going.

You nodded, looking down at the fire. “More than anything Bucky.” Your voice was so earnest, it was as if you had told him some grand secret. “But after all this is through, I’ll probably never see any of you again.” You picked at your fingers as the last embers of the fire started to cool. “Peggy said… said I was going to end up hurting someone if I kept acting like I was, knowing what I know.”

“So you just started avoiding me?”

“I was trying to be more professional.” You explained. Bucky wanted to scream, professional was probably the last thing he wanted you to be with him. “And then Peggy came into my tent yelling that you thought I was mad at you or something.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me in the first place Doll?” He asked. He just… wanted- needed answers, after weeks of nothing. If anything, knowing he would likely never see you again after this hell of a war, he wanted to spend as much time with you as he could, not barely see you.

You shrugged, “I thought, Christ, I don’t know. I didn’t want you to take it the wrong way I guess.”

“What would have been the wrong way?”

You sighed, “Fuck, I don’t know. That we were anything more than friends?” Bucky frowned, his heart throbbing painfully. He had honestly thought, or at least hoped, there was something more than that between the two of you. To learn that you didn’t seem to agree…

Bucky shoved your shoulder playfully in an attempt to mask the pain he was feeling. “Next time Doll, just talk to me. Please.” He could feel his heart breaking as he spoke. This was not a good night.

You nodded, a forced smile on your face before pointing towards the horizon. “Cygnus is rising.”


	12. Chapter 11

The scene wasn't unlike the last time you had gone on a mission with the commandos, Steve hunched over a map, going over infiltration plans. The Commandos surrounded him, giving them their thoughts and making snarky jokes. You weren't quite paying attention to it, instead, you were glancing every so often at Bucky. You couldn't stop thinking about the letter sitting in your breast pocket. It was the fourth one Bucky had sent you in two weeks, each one managing to pierce your heart a little deeper.

The letters themselves weren't even romantic in nature, had one not known any better, they might have thought they were letters to a sibling, or maybe a friend. But something about it all, maybe it was your history, maybe it was the absurdity of sending someone in the same camp mail, or maybe it was the way he always signed them off as 'yours', made it all feel like much more than just friendly letters. You never replied to them. You could never convince yourself to. But you did start finding yourself wandering down to the mess during mail call, just to see if your name would be called that day.

You didn't really understand why he kept writing you letters, but honestly, you were too scared he would stop if you questioned it. After weeks of trying to convince yourself, and Bucky for that matter, that the two of you were nothing more than friends, the letters had begun to feel like your own little secret. Your own vice, clinging to the vain hope of something you couldn't, wouldn't let yourself have.

"What do you think we should do, Y/N?" Steve asked, looking at you expectantly.

"What?" You blinked pulled out of your trance by the sound of your name.

Steve raised an eyebrow, "To infiltrate the base, do you have any ideas?"

You blinked a few more times, biting your lip as you looked at the map. A flash of brilliance overtook you as you recalled your time in Paris. "There's a daily supply convoy that passes through this area. No doubt they supply this base too. It wouldn't take much to sneak onto a truck."

Bucky's gaze lingered on you for a moment before looking down at the map. "And what exactly do we plan on doin' when we get driven in? Just jump out guns blazing like last time?"

Steve shook his head, "This base is huge compared to Italy. It would be a suicide mission." He took a deep breath as he thought out some semblance of a plan. "Our best bet might be doing something similar to what we did in Austria."

The Commandos looked at him like he was nuts. "Steve." You said carefully. "Don't pretend you had a plan for Austria."

Steve rolled his eyes at your comment, opening his mouth to speak before Jones spoke up. "What about this large building here?" He pointed to a flyover picture of the base, "It looks like the energy silo that was in Austria. If we go in and blow that up, it might cripple them enough to swing things in our favor."

"That… might actually work." Falsworth responded, picking the photo up for a closer look. "It would also be easier to sneak into the base with a sapper group instead of all eight of us." He handed the photo off to Steve. "A team of three? Jaques of course, then two others."

"I'll go." You said. The sooner you got inside the base, the sooner you could figure out where the Bell had been taken. The men seemed to understand your eagerness, nodding amongst themselves.

"Then I'll go too," Bucky said almost immediately after, making your heart skip. It was as if he were waiting for you to volunteer. 

"No." You argued. At best he would be a distraction, a severe distraction. Ay worst… "You are an absolute danger with explosives and you know it." The last thing you needed was for him to lose a hand.

"I'm not that bad." He rolled his eyes. "And we damn well know you're gonna run off for that Bell the moment that building goes down. You need someone able to watch your six." You opened your mouth to protest, to tell him you didn't need to be protected, but he cut you off. "Don't even start. You're a Commando whether you admit it or not. And I'm not about to let one of our own run off alone in a war zone." To your frustration, the rest of the men grunted in agreement.

"Fine." You conceded. "We don't have time to argue about this. The convoy leaves Paris at noon, it's almost sundown now. Taking into account the convoy stopping to unload and reload supplies, it should be coming by any time now. If I remember the convoy maps right, it comes down the west road here." You traced out the road on the map with your finger. You hoped the Germans didn't think to change their supply routes since you were last in Paris.

Steve nodded, "It's settled then. Bucky, Jaques, and Y/N get what you need to take the building down ASAP. The rest of us are on standby until then, got it?" The men voiced their agreement once more before bursting into action.

The convoy, luckily, was right on time, and it took no time at all for the three of them to slip onto the final truck in the line. You sat against a crate, concealing yourself from the trucks opening as it continued down the dirt road. You winced as the truck jostled you roughly back into the crates as it hit a bump. 

"What exactly is going on between you two," Dernier questioned in his typical french. "I thought you two worked your shit out weeks ago."

You frowned at him. To say you and Bucky worked things out was dubious at best. If anything it would have been more accurate to say you ungracefully shattered your own heart and swept it under a rug, only to pretend nothing had happened. You flirted far less now, but that really just served to hurt your heart more. "There's nothing going on between us." You shot back in french.

Dernier scoffed. "That's why you two keep looking at each other like kicked puppies when the other isn't looking."

"I still don't speak french." Bucky reminded, a tinge of frustration in his voice before you had a chance to respond to Dernier.

"It's nothing." You said quickly. "He's just trying to make sure this all goes smoothly." It wasn't exactly a lie, you convinced yourself, though the raise of Dernier's eyebrow told you you probably shouldn't have. "We should try to stick together until the building goes down."

"I'm sticking to you like glue, doll," Bucky said with a slight nod. "Don't worry abou-" Bucky went silent as the truck stopped. German voices could be heard from outside as the beam of a flashlight poked through the truck’s canvas cover. The three of you tensed as the beam swept across the truck bed, narrowly failing to illuminate you before disappearing. The three of you breathed a collective sigh of relief when the truck began to move again.

The second time it stopped, it had reached the base, you jumped out of the truck and slipping into a small alcove in the nearest building. Dernier pulled the flyover photo from his pocket, using it as a makeshift map. He pointed towards the energy silo and you both followed his lead, avoiding detection and planting bombs where he had ordered them to be placed. It had barely been half an hour by the time the building was properly rigged to explode. "Go." He whispered to you and Bucky as he fiddled with setting up the detonation device. "I'll meet up with the others as soon as I take the building down."

You nodded, patting Bucky on the arm. "Let's go." You said as you moved to leave, only for him not to follow.

"And leave Jaques?" He questioned, grabbing your arm to stop you. You rolled your eyes, of course. After this mission, you were making sure the men knew at least basic french. They couldn't rely on you and Jones constantly translating. 

"Stay or go, it's up to you. I'm going, Jaques said he can handle it." You insisted. Bucky was clearly wary about leaving a Commando on his own, but you really didn't have the time to try to convince him. Luckily, as you turned to go, Bucky reluctantly followed.

The bombs went off the moment the two of you were out of Dernier's sight, taking the building down with a deafening roar, and plunging the base into darkness in the process. Jones had been right, it was an energy silo, apparently, the entire base had been running off of the tesseracts stored power. You squinted through the darkness, the sun now well below the horizon, as you looked for some form of an administrative building through the growing chaos.

Shouts and screams and gunfire surrounded you making you suddenly very aware you were in the middle of a war. You were also suddenly very aware that you were completely alone. In the darkness and chaos, Bucky had disappeared from your side. Worry overtook you as you whipped around looking for him, even a fool would know he would never willingly leave your side in the middle of a mission. You bit your lip, considering your options. It would be easy to just continue your search, find Bucky later. He was fully capable of being on his own after all. Right?

You swore to yourself doubling back towards the now burning energy silo, but you failed to find any sign of Bucky. You shook your head, he was okay, he had to be. You weren't quite sure what you would do if he wasn't. You took off running searching for him, following your gut more than your brain.

You ran into the first building you saw, charging past hydra soldiers with reckless abandon. Something in your heart told you he would be there. Or maybe, it was just your mind trying to quell your growing panic. Either way, it didn't matter if it meant he was safe. He had to be safe.

You rounded the corner, turning down a hall of what appeared to be offices. Not that you noticed. You were far too focused on the Hydra officer holding Bucky at gunpoint. Bucky's eyes went wide when he caught sight of you over the officer's shoulder.

"Get on the fucking ground!" The officer yelled at him in German, gesturing to the floor. Bucky looked at the officer, carefully trying to piece together what was asked of him. The officer growled, stepping closer to Bucky, gun still trained on him. "Get on the ground before I put you on the ground."

When Bucky failed to comply with the order again, the officer aimed his pistol at Bucky's leg. You reacted before you could even think, you didn't even realize your gun was in your hand when you emptied the clip into the man's back and head. The officer fell to the floor in an instant, dropping his pistol in the process. The gun hit the ground with a clatter and a bang, firing a shot from the force of the impact.

Bucky hit the ground next, grasping his leg, a look of pain clear on his face. You nearly choked on your own breath in sheer panic when you rushed to his side. "What is with you and scaring the absolute hell out of me?" You questioned, inspecting his leg. He was shot, but it was a clean shot, straight through the muscle.

Bucky drew in a breath when you began applying pressure to the wound. "Scaring you?" He argued back, "I looked away for a second and you disappeared!" He winced again as you shifted your weight on his leg. "Damn that hurts."

"You got shot, Buck. It's supposed to hurt." You said dryly as the bleeding started to slow. Thank god. "And I didn't disappear, you did. I was running away from the explosion."

Bucky gave you a look, shaking his head. "No." He said simply as you broke out your med kit and began to bandage the injury.

"No?" You almost squeaked. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"You really think I would have willingly left you in the middle of a battlefield?" He shot back, sounding more than a little bit offended. You looked up at him as you fought the urge to argue back. He was right. You knew he was. You knew he would never have intentionally left your side. But god damn the fear of turning around and seeing him missing still shook you. 

"We got separated then." You compromised, not placing the blame on either of you, as you tied off the bandage. "Are you okay resting here? I need to at least try to find something on the bell." He would be too much to carry from room to room on your shoulder, but you still needed to look for the bell.

"Actually," Bucky said as he pulled some hastily folded paper from his pants pocket, "I might have already found it." You took the papers from him and looked them over. They were heavily cyphered documents, the only indication of what they might relate to being the picture of a bell stapled to them.

"Bucky you're amazing!" You squealed, throwing your arms around his neck. You jumped back when he let out a grunt of pain, remembering his injury. "Shit, Sorry!"

He grimaced at the pain. "I'm not one to complain about a dame throwing herself at me Doll. But try not to hit my leg next time alright?" He gave a weak but flirty smile, just enough that you felt your face warm. Instead of throwing yourself at him again, you wrapped his arm around your neck, fighting the urge to flirt back with him as you helped pull him to his feet. 

"Come on Sarge." You said lightly, trying to distract yourself from how close you both were. You hadn't been this close since that snowy night in December. "It's finally Steve's turn to yell at us for being reckless."

A chuckle rumbled through his chest, "Never thought I'd live to see the day."


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to write, A mixture of not having my computer and moving to a different state has made writing more than a little difficult to do. I hope you like it.

You groaned in frustration and threw your pencil across the room. You were the last one left in the London headquarters yet again, insisting on staying late to figure out these damn ciphers. Weeks had gone by with absolutely no progress on any of them. Weeks of you obsessing over the documents Bucky had found, and nothing to show for it. It was driving you insane. Peggy had proposed sending the documents to Bletchley Park but was quickly vetoed by Phillips leaving you stuck trying to brute force the cipher yourself.

The sound of the radio was probably the only thing keeping you sane tonight, providing just enough distraction to keep you going. Thank god for small miracles. You sighed, leaning back in your seat as you listened to the music place. Time wasn’t a luxury you really had to waste, leaving you with late nights and very little sleep. Though sometimes, it seemed wasting time was all you could really do.

Almost absent-mindedly, you opened a drawer where a pile of letters sat neatly stacked and pulled to top letter out. You looked over it closely, as if the answer to all of your troubles were somehow locked away behind the messy scrawl. He really was persistent, wasn’t he? A ghost of a smile formed on your lips. All of the letters, each one somehow more special to you than the last, and not once had you sent him a reply. You took a deep breath and picked up a new pencil, twirling it in your fingers as you hunted for blank paper.

It wasn’t the first time you had tried to write a response. At least thirty crumpled papers filled the waste bin near your feet. Every attempt prior had failed to properly reach the standards of what you wanted to express. No matter how you tried, you just couldn’t seem to get the words out the way you wanted. Not like how Bucky always managed to word things so perfectly at least. Maybe it was a symptom of growing up in a time that letters were a rarity, but damn it if you weren’t going to try to make it as perfect as you could. Especially if it gave you a much-needed break from your current project.

Lost in the prospect of writing your letter, you didn’t hear the sound of the elevator opening. “Peggy told me you’d be down here.” A voice called down to you, making you jump. You looked up to see Bucky smiling down at you, staggering slightly, drunk, as he walked down the stairs. 

You chuckled at his state, the men had been celebrating Bucky finally getting the all-clear to go back into the field after his injury. No doubt they all drank a little more than they normally would have. You hid the half-written letter under other loose papers as he approached. “Someone’s got to get some work done while you all drink and have fun.” You joked, sitting back in your seat. “Why are you here and not drinking with the boys?”

Bucky sat down in the chair nearest to you, a playful smile on his face. “From the sounds of what Peggy’s sayin’, you ain’t gettin’ much done either.” He teased, the alcohol making his accent slightly more pronounced. “And I figured you could use a little company.” He shrugged, looking over the mess that was your desk. “It’s really givin’ ya a hard time, huh?”

You sighed at his assessment, frustrated by how right he was, “It could be going better.” You admitted, sitting up and picking up one of the pages. “We don’t have much time as it is, and here I am getting nowhere.” 

“You’re pushin’ yourself too hard doll.” He said seriously enough you could have forgotten he was drunk. “You’re one of the smartest people I know, but you aren’t going to get anywhere if you tear yourself apart in the process.” He took the paper from your hand and tucked it into a manilla folder. “Give yourself a break.” You made a sound of protest as Bucky began sorting papers into folders but he ignored you, only stopping when something caught his eye. “What’s this?” He asked, holding up the letter you had been writing.

Your heart skipped as you lunged for the paper, only for him to move it out of your reach, grinning like a mischievous little boy. “Damn it, Barnes, give it back!” You ordered, face burning hot as you grabbed at it.

“But it has my name on it.” He teased as he looked over the page, reading what you had written. “Why write me a letter if you don’t want me to read it?”

“Just because your name is on it doesn’t mean I was ready to send it.” You argued face flushed bright pink as you finally snatched it from his hand.

His boyish grin only widened, “And what’s got you writing letters all of a sudden?”

“I-” You started, searching for words to explain yourself. “Y-you always write letters to me.” You managed to stutter out, smoothing over the crinkles in the paper in an attempt to distract yourself from how stupid you currently felt. “I felt bad that I never wrote one back.”

Bucky’s smile fell slightly, and he looked at you seriously, “You don’t have to reply to anything I write you doll. Seeing your face when your name is called is enough for me.” Your heart drummed painfully in your chest at his words, but before you could say anything Bucky jumped to his feet as a song began to play on the radio. “Come on sugar.” He said, grabbing your hand and pulling you to your feet.

Your eyes widened at the sudden movement, and even more so at how close the two of you now were. You looked up to see his mischievous smirk had returned, no doubt at the prospect of doing something he knew he likely shouldn’t. “Bucky,” you giggled, “What the hell are you doing?”

“You owe me a dance.” He said pulling you close enough that you could smell the whiskey on his breath. “And I like this song. Seemed like as good a time as any to cash in on that rain check.” Your heart pounded as his arm wrapped around your waist, his hand resting on the small of your back.

“I still don’t know how.” You said softly, though to call it a protest would have been wrong. As much as you knew you shouldn’t, you did want to dance with him. You wanted to be as close to him as possible, for as long as your sense would allow.

“I’ll teach you.” He reassured, slowly guiding you through the first steps. Shaky first steps gave way to graceful second ones as he started to match the easy tempo of the song. Not that you particularly noticed. You were far too entranced by the steel-blue eyes looking down at you to truly notice much of anything. You felt like a princess as you danced in his arms as if you had landed yourself in a fairytale instead of the second world war. “You’re a natural.”

“What?” You blinked dreamily as you tried to make sense of what he had just said. 

“At dancing.” He said. “You’re a natural.”

Your eyes flicked down to his lips as he spoke, a dull ache pulsing in your heart. “I’m barely doing anything. You’re the one who should be complimented.”

“There’s two of us dancin’ here doll.” He whispered, lowering his head slightly closer to yours. “I couldn’t do it without you, it’s a team effort.”

Time felt like it was standing still. You wouldn’t have exactly minded if it was. Were you still moving? Was the music still playing? Could Bucky feel how your heart was pounding? You couldn’t answer any of it. The only thing on your mind was just how close his lips were to yours. How you could feel his breath on your lips. It would have barely taken a movement to close the gap. God, you wanted to kiss him. You could feel yourself starting to move before a switch flipped in your mind and you stopped.

“There’s two…” You mumbled, eyes defocusing slightly at your realization as you started to pull away.

“What?” Bucky asked, a tinge of disappointment and confusion in his voice.

“The cipher.” You said, stepping from his grasp, and quickly turning to your desk. “It’s not just one, it’s two.” You said excitedly pawing through the folders in search of the document. “I’ve been treating it like it’s just one. But there’s two, layered on top of each other, like a team, Bucky you’re a genius.”

Bucky sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “Doll, what the hell happened to taking a break?” He said, grabbing your arm gently to grab your attention. “We were doing something.”

You looked up at him, heart skipping at the thought of the dance, or rather, at the thought of the near kiss. A tidal wave of emotions crashed over you. You had been trying to prevent something like this, trying so desperately to run from how you felt, to avoid acknowledging the growing seeds of something you were too scared to let yourself have. “It… it was just a dance Bucky, that’s it.”

Bucky took a sharp breath and carded his hand through his hair, “Really?” He asked, frustration clear in his voice, “That’s all it was to you? Just a dance?”

You frowned unsure of what even to say to make things better. “Why does it have to be anything else?”

“Why can’t it be?!” He questioned, throwing his hands into the air. Eyes went wide from his outburst, you opened your mouth to speak only to close it again with a small shake of your head. “Why can’t it be y/n?” Bucky repeated again, softer this time, more pained.

“You know why.” You answered weakly, recalling the lie you had told him months ago. You still felt sick about it.

Hurt painted his features and you felt even sicker. You wanted to avoid this, to avoid hurting him like this, it was the last thing you wanted. “Right.” He said tensely, nodding and taking a step back. “I should… I should go check on the guys. Make sure they’re okay.” He finished, turning to leave.

You sat in your chair, defeated, as you watched him ascend the staircase and enter the elevator, fighting everything in your mind telling you to stop him. Maybe it would be better this way, like ripping off a bandage instead of waiting until you were gone. At least, that’s what you tried to tell yourself as you wiped tears from your eyes and turned your focus back onto your work.


	14. Chapter 13

It didn’t take you long to crack the cipher on the documents after your epiphany, and it took even less time before you found yourself undercover as a secretary for a Hydra officer in the German Hydra base. There, you worked, slowly building up trust as you gained your bearings navigating through the large base and worked towards finding the Bells exact location within it. Your mission was to destroy it, but you had no intention of doing that until you figured out if it could bring you back home.

Home. The very idea of it felt so surreal as if it were more of a vague memory of a dream than a real place, or time. You thought you would be more excited to finally go back, but, if anything, you were just conflicted. Thoughts of Bucky plagued your mind as you worked on whatever menial secretarial tasks that were assigned to you. Not so much thoughts of the relationship you were sure you destroyed, but of his potential death. 

You had written a letter explaining everything, but you couldn’t get yourself to send it. Instead, you tucked it into the letter drawer of your writing desk. Would they find it after you disappeared? Or would it be left there, lost and ignored, leaving Bucky to his fate? Would they even believe it if they did find it? You wondered if you could actually even change the future at all. None of your previous attempts ever seemed to work. Was it really just all fate? No, you refused to accept that. There had to be some way. Surely they would find the letter before it was too late. They had to.

“Fraulein Becker.” Your head popped up from your work at the name and you saw your Hydra Officer ‘boss’ in front of you, a stack of files in hand. “Take these files to Commandant Fischer.” He ordered, unceremoniously dropping the stack onto your desk. God, you hated putting up with the bastard. “His office is in the east wing.” He finished before walking off, not giving you a second thought.

You didn’t say a word to him as you rose from your seat, and picked up the files. He had long since made it clear that he preferred you to be seen and not heard. You didn’t mind that, however, it was better than needing to fake niceties to him. Really, undercover work felt strange after all the months you spent with the Commandoes. It wasn’t exactly difficult to get back into, but it still felt somehow foreign nonetheless.

It was rare for you to be sent to the east wing of the base. It was by far the most heavily guarded section, easily leading you to believe that if the bell was hidden anywhere, it was hidden there. This was one of your few chances to actually search through the wing, and you were going to make the most out of it.

You walked through the corridors, files clutched to your chest, smiling politely to every guard you passed as to not arouse suspicion. There had to be something here, you knew it in the pit of your stomach. Why would the wing be so heavily guarded otherwise? Not to mention the fact that you had searched damn near everywhere else on the base.

You stopped when you heard a familiar hum. You blinked several times when you heard it; it was different somehow, like the hum was somewhere behind your eyes, inside your brain. It was completely disorienting. How were they even able to work around it? The noise was already giving you a migraine.

The hum grew louder and louder as you followed it until it was a deafening roar inside your head almost too painful to continue. The noise hit it’s peak when you opened the door at the end of the hall. The door opened up to a large room, and in the center sat the bell, newer and shinier than when you last saw it and glowing a dim red. The hum turned into a complete, eerie, silence when you entered the room, your heart pounding. 

There it was, after four years of searching.

The bell shook as you stepped closer, growing more and more violent in its movement the closer you became. Almost as if it were reacting to you. You set the files down on a table and took a few more steps closer, something was wrong with it, you could sense it. By the time you were near enough to touch it the dim red glow had shifted into a brighter yellow hue. It was blue before, wasn’t it?

Just as your arm stretched out to touch it, the signature click of a gun cocking sounded behind you. A sickening sense of deja vu came over you as you mentally swore to yourself. How had you let yourself become so fixated that you were snuck up on? Slowly, you turned around to see Commandant Fischer aiming a gun directly at your head. “I was beginning to wonder where you were with my files, Fraulein Becker. Although, I am beginning to suspect that isn’t your real name at all.”

* * *

  
Bucky stood next to Steve, arms crossed, as they discussed their plans en route to the next base. It all felt wrong with you gone, off doing some mission for the Bell. He had tried to distract himself, throw himself into his own missions, but his mind always wandered back to you and your wellbeing. Really, it had been months now, since you had left, he should have grown used to it, but he just couldn’t. Not when he had spent half a month avoiding you before you had left. He stopped coming to visit, stopped sending letters, stopped trying to cross your path. His heart couldn’t take it anymore. Somehow, in all of this chaos and war, he’d fallen in love with you, and you made it clear enough that it wasn’t mutual.

Of course, he was kicking himself now that you were gone. He knew the chance of you going on a solo mission for the Bell was high, hell you had outright said it in the debrief, but that didn’t mean he was at all ready for it to happen. You were strong, and capable, and he knew that. That didn’t make him less worried. That didn’t stop him from being terrified that you were going to be captured and killed, or worse. He had tried to raise hell with Phillips, like you would have, but Phillips was quick to set him back in his place. He didn’t get any say on what missions you went on and who you went on them with, a fact Phillips made sure to remind him of.

He shifted on his feet as Steve went over plans to evacuate a local village before the worst of the fighting came through. These small missions between, or on the way to, larger ones had begun to make up a large part of the Commando’s work, not that Bucky was complaining. He was more than happy to help those that needed it, and it gave him some way to distract himself as they made their way to Greece. “We should consider a water landing,” Bucky said, pointing to the map. “The base is near Agia Marina, and the route would allow us to pass through the towns most in need of aid.”

Steve nodded, “Then we can use this road to swing back and-” A loud beeping cut him off, drawing the men’s attention to a machine Howard was currently tinkering with. “What’s going on?”

Stark shook his head as he fiddled with the shrieking machine. “It’s the distress beacon I created. It’s trying to say one’s been activated in Germany, but, that isn’t possible. All of the beacons are accounted for.”

Bucky’s heart dropped at the mention of Germany. “No,” He said, shaking his head as he vividly remembered you putting one of Stark’s coins into your pocket. “No, they aren’t.”

Stark looked up at him like Bucky was stupid. “All of you are here, there’s no reason-”

“Y/N.” Bucky insisted as he stepped closer to the machine. “Y/N Stole one of your prototypes when she yelled at you for making them into coins. I watched her do it.” He wanted to scream. This was exactly what he was dreading. He fought every urge he had to run off to Germany with nothing more than his pack and rifle. He wanted to save you, but he couldn’t do it on his own. He wasn’t a super-soldier. Instead, he bottled up his panic, remaining a deadly calm.

“Are you positive?” It was Phillips who spoke up this time. “You are positive you saw her take this distress… dohickey? And you never reported it?”

“Yes, Colonel,” Bucky confirmed, not really caring about what trouble he might get into for not reporting the theft. Phillips made a noise that sounded like equal parts frustration and disappointment, not at him, but at the situation at hand.

“What’s the plan to save her?” Steve questioned rather predictably. He was never one to leave someone in danger, and he knew how important you were to Bucky. 

“There is no plan,” Phillips said, and almost immediately, Bucky and Steve moved to protest. “And don’t you dare try to pull the same stunt you pulled in Azzano.” He warned before turning to Stark. “How long is this signal going to last?”

“Considering it’s the prototype and not one of the dog tags? Three days, maybe a week if we’re lucky. That is, if she manages to keep it on her. It will keep transmitting its coordinates until the power is used up.”

“I want you to keep on that signal until it dies.” Phillips ordered, “She’s a spy, the higher-ups are going to want to keep her alive for information. We’re going to need to know her last known location to figure out where she’s going to be kept.”

“If we aren’t performing a rescue mission, then why do we need to know where she’s located?” Bucky questioned, hoping to god this meant a plan was in the works. He wasn’t going to just let you stay in Hydra captivity.

It seemed almost impossible for Phillips to appear any sterner. “Did I say there wasn’t going to be a rescue mission Sergeant? I’m not abandoning one of my best agents to Nazis. But I have no intention of needlessly risking any of your lives in the process. We’ll stick to our current plans until such a time arises that we can enter Germany with minimal risk. Until then, she’ll have to wait.”

Bucky wanted to vomit. He knew Phillips was right, they couldn’t risk the progress they had made in Greece by running into the middle of Germany. They couldn’t save you if they all ended up dead on the way. Steve stepped forward to argue, but Bucky grabbed his arm. “Steve, no.” He sighed.

Steve stopped, furrowing his brow at Bucky. “Do you not want to save her?” He whispered to his friend, voice filled with concern, both for you and for Bucky. “She could be-”

“We can’t save her at all if we die getting there Steve. Phillips is right.” The entire room went silent at the seriousness of Bucky’s tone. No one wanted to leave you in the hands of Nazis, but they had no actual way to ensure your rescue.

Steve took a deep breath and nodded, finally turning back to Phillips. “We’ll continue as we are until a rescue mission can be properly organized.” He finally agreed. Bucky hoped to God that they could come to save you sooner rather than later. God knew he wasn’t going to be able to rest until they did.


End file.
